Seriously?

Let's pretend for one night...

2009-11-27T22:43:00.005-05:00

Let's pretend for one night...I'm the man in your life...and we do the things that lovers do...all the lovin you like...I'll give it to you just right...there's nothing less than special when it comes to you...see what we have is understanding...that works so well for how we are...cause neither of us has the heart...to fall in love all over again...Even though I'm not your man and I know you're not my girl...but let's just act like it's that way tonight...

He picked me up...hugged me tightly...opened the car door for me...walked on the side closest to the street...pulled out my chair...sat close...held my hand...let's pretend for one night...I'm the man in your life... We enjoyed the show together, whispered thoughts, smiled at each other, kept our energies just between the two of us. Silent understandings. The time is easy. As it always is when we are together. When we are together. He is cool...hilarious...silly...kind... sweet...sexy. And we are...sporadic. Occasional. Sometimes. Which is usually okay. Usually understood. But, this night, I was soaking up him being the man in my life, for this one night. And on this one night, I wanted him to be the man in my life. I wanted to not pretend. I wanted him to be...my him. Because...I do have the heart to fall in love all over again. Yes. I want to turn down this song, stop pretending and go for what is beyond tonight. Now, if only he wants to sing a new song too...sigh...

My love affair...

2009-05-28T16:40:00.002-04:00

I am…in love…again. It’s a re-occurring love…that swells and surges throughout the year, but gets a boost every summer. Every summer I get to renew my love affair, as oftentimes the waning sun and early evening breezes provide us the perfect opportunity to be together. My ongoing love affair is with…music. And my summertime concerts are what I look forward to every year.

A few weeks back, I went to see India Arie for the first time. I was mesmerized. The venue was perfect and helped to enhance the vibe. (I am a firm believer that different venues cause performers to perform differently. I prefer either intimate venues or outdoor venues.) Anyway, she brought this awesome energy to the stage. I felt as if everyone there might as well have been holding hands, passing the energy on from one to the next. At times I just closed my eyes and absorbed it all. At times I stepped out of my own personal experience and looked around me to find other sistas with misty eyes and tears…relishing in their own experience with India’s lyrics and voice. Just…amazing. Sigh.

I have discovered that female vocalists have more of an emotional affect on me than do the male vocalists. I think it’s the innate ability that women have as nurturers and sensitive creatures that comes through in their songs. And as a woman, I can relate to their emotions, reactions, experiences…in ways that I can’t always do with men’s songs. Makes sense I suppose. When Chrisette Michele sings…one day he’ll come on bended knee and ask my love away from thee…and when I give my love to him, you’ll always have a place within…no one loves me just like you do…I feel it. I had my daddy listen to it and told him that this is the song we will dance to at my wedding. Sometimes it makes me cry…sometimes it makes me smile. When Deborah Cox sings…can you look me in the eyes…and honestly say that you don’t love me??...we can’t be friends…I shake my head. In the past, my voice has cracked singing that song with such feeling while thinking of a him that I knew I could never just be friends with.

When Martina McBride sings…this one’s for the girls…who’ve ever had a broken heart…who’ve wished upon a shooting star…you’re beautiful the way you are…this one’s for the girls…I have to roll down my windows, turn it all the way up and sing it like an anthem.

A few of the male voices captivate me too…they tend to be the one’s with very distinct voices…raspy, edgy, ‘charactered’. John Legend, James Blunt, James Morrison, Anthony Hamilton, Al Green…

Anyway, back to my concerts…
Music moves me in ways I find almost unexplainable. It resonates in my spirit. At the India Arie concert, I closed my eyes and her words and voice took me someplace else. When I stood outside in the nighttime breeze and listened to Jill Scott and Erykah Badu, I got chills. When Norah Jones sat down at the piano and sang with her clear poignant voice, I might as well have been sitting on a beach somewhere. At every (good) concert, I close my eyes and inhale the music and feel such a peace, even if only for that moment.

So, here’s to the summer concert line-up…I look forward to our time together. Lighters in the air…

Sometimes...

2009-04-26T01:24:00.003-04:00

...Sometimes I
crave
the feel of a man's hands
on the curve of my hips and
on the small of my back
as his strong presence
willfully attacks
all of my senses
at once...
...Sometimes I
unabashedly
desire
the feel
of him
feeling me
of him
stealing me
from the absence
of him...

Hmm...it's not always easy being...good. I think of him and it's not easy being good. I haven't seen him in a few years, but every so often, when I do think of him, it's...not...easy. I secretly wished to run into him tonight. In neutral territory that wouldn't break the rules, my rules. I wanted to see him - and for him to look at me the way he always did. To look at me in the way that makes every nerve in my body suddenly aware that they are aware. I imagine that we would see each other and perhaps carry out a whole conversation with our eyes - understanding the danger of words and touch. Understanding that it's been quite some time, but that our...chemistry....knows no time. Hmm...but, I made it home with no detours, no unauthorized phone calls or texts. And I will go to bed and wake up when the sun is out. And this moment will have passed. And it will seem an easier task and he will seem a less prominent thought. In the morning...

Dis-joint-ed

2009-04-20T17:51:00.004-04:00

Sigh.

I've spent the last hour trying to write about it. Perhaps trying to sort out a phenomenon of wanting what one can't have and not wanting what one can.

I Speak Life...

2009-04-10T15:43:00.004-04:00

A friend of mine sends out great quotes every day or so. She sent this one out not too long ago and thought it be a great way to go into the weekend. Enjoy! Have a great weekend and Happy Easter!

-------------------------------------------

Here are your affirmations. Learn how to speak life into your words and inner self-talk. Print these positive statements and read them daily. Learn how to train your brain to think optimistic and proactive thoughts. I promise you --- you will get results and experience more success, progress and peace of mind. – Author Unknown

* I can conquer my fears and procrastination.

* My possibilities for success are endless.

* I'm ready to get out of my own way.

* I no longer give people or my circumstances power over my destiny.

* I am getting stronger and wiser each day.

* I'm grateful for my life lessons and use them as stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.

* I am grateful, healthy and blessed as my stress decreases and my finances increase.

* I am loved and empowered to do great things.

* Right now, I do the best I can -- where I am and with what I have.

* I use my time, talents and resources well.

* Health is my first wealth. I am exercising and eating healthy foods. My body is getting in good shape.

* I am willing to learn to let myself breathe, relax and create success in my life.

* Stuff happens! --- I am resilient. I cope with change with faith, peace and courage.

* Life isn't always fair, but I always do the right thing anyway.

* My creativity, education, professionalism, faith, self-esteem and organization skills produce a great income for me.

* I am attracting new resources, opportunities and talented people in my life who contribute to my vision and purpose.

* I am open to new experiences.

* My light shines bright. I am a child of the most High God.

* I am at peace and relax in the flow and divine timing of the Holy Spirit.

* My words and actions have power and return to me multiplied.

* Depression and addictions are a set up for me to give up. I will stay in the light. I am too blessed to be stressed.

* The best is yet to come. Something great is about to happen.

* I stand on holy ground worthy of all that God has for me. For Almighty God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above ALL that I think, say or do according to the power that works in me.

"You Move Me"

2009-04-06T19:23:00.003-04:00

I got this from Gem is My Name! :) (I can't help but do this over and over again...lol! Okay okay...I'm writing it down this time...for real!! LOL)

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

Here we go....

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY? "Gotta Go Gotta Leave" Vivian Green (hey, why not)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? "Take Your Time” Al Green

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Right Here" SWV

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "Ting-A-Ling" Shabba Ranks

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Wish I Didn't Miss You" Angie Stone (Man...I need to refocus!!)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO? "Getting Late" Floetry (I heard that!!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "So Amazing" Luther Vandross (awww....)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Call Me Guilty" Jaxmine Sullivan (I hope not...lol...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Like Glue” Sean Paul

WHAT IS 2 + 2? "We Come to Party" Chuck Brown

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "The Fact is (I Need You)" Jill Scott (aww)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "The Long Day is Over" Norah Jones (interesting)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "I Never Wanna Live Without You" Mary J.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Stingy” Ginuwine (LOL)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Jaspora" Wyclef (sure...why not)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "The Nearness of You” Norah Jones

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "Nothin" Nore

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? "Complicated" Avril Lavigne

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Try Again" Aaliyah

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW? "Sunrise" Norah Jones

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Creepin" (LOL)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "You Move Me" Cassandra Wilson (hmmm....love this song)

The Right to Change

2009-04-06T17:55:00.004-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that I tune in to the Michael Baisden show purely for the opportunity to get me amped up. Lol. I understand that the goal is probably to get folks listening and responding, but sometimes....whew.

Earlier today there was a woman who called in and was sharing how she and her significant other had been together for 23 years and 6 children, but were not married. She communicated that she wanted to be married and had wanted to be married for quite some time. Mike and Juan (his board op?) both expressed feelings of...well, you've been with him for 23 years...what right do you have to change that now and think that he should marry you?? You can't just change the game on the brotha now - it's not fair.

WHAT? (is what I said a little too loudly at my desk...lol) What do you mean, what right does she have to change that now? She has every right. She has birthed SIX of his kids. She has been with and loved him for 23 years. And if she feels or has felt that marriage is what she wants, than she has every right to let him know that. No blame-gaming is necessary. If they've been together for 23 years with no ring, then both of them had to, in some manner - spoken or unspoken, agree to that. But, if today, she knows that this is what she wants, so be it. Either he's with it or he's not. When asked if she wanted to be married before, she said yes. They wanted to know why, all of sudden, she wanted to be married. Perhaps her desire for marriage is based on her beliefs, her relationship with God , her need for completion...who knows. But, the bottom line is that she is warranted to request this.

I think what bothered me most about their positions was that it implied that there is such a time when it is too late for change. That there is such a time where if you have not done better, you haven't a chance of doing so. That there is such a time when your future is dictated solely by what you have allowed in your past.

And I refuse that. If I have accepted 'less than' for 30 years and at 30 years and 1 day I decide, I will no longer accept receiving less than I deserve, then as of that moment, change has come. Whether 1 day or 23 years in to whatever situation it may be, your change is always just one second and one word away.

On the move...

2009-04-06T17:18:00.000-04:00

I have been...on the grind. I can't believe it's been 4 some odd months since I've been here. Wow. I got a not so anonymous note saying that my blog missed me. :) Thanks lady...lol! :) Funny enough, I've missed my blog, too. I've had many days where I knew specifically what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to share. But, then I got busy again, and off I went. But today, I'm here. Determined to catch up.

I've spent the past few months working on my crafts and trying to improve them. I've thrown myself head first back into my photography. Yay! It's been exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time - just what all good things should be...lol. I shot my first wedding at the end of last year and that was a truly awesome experience. Aside from all the nervousness and preparation before hand and all the hard work and follow-up afterwards, I loved it. In the moment, I loved it. I loved capturing their emotions and the moments and the memories. I felt light. Just like I do when I'm writing new poems or creating other new things. It's been great. I feel like my creativity has been thriving. Almost too many ideas to manage. At least when combined with my everyday duties and responsibilities. I still struggle with balance. This side of me often threatens a coup d'etat over the everyday part of me. Perhaps not a bad thing, though?

Either way, it's been...cool. Good. I'm not sure about everything, but that's okay. I just know that I'm driven to pursue the creativity. So I will. My creativity is on the run and I'm determined to keep up!

Checking the Rule Book

2008-12-01T16:58:00.006-05:00

I seem to have lost my official 'Rule Book' so, I need some help - a little clarification, if you will, on a few rules.

The Rules of Estrangement
Since I've known him and he's known when my birthday was, he's wished me happy birthday. In the early stages of our friendship, he wished me happy birthday. When we dated, we spent the birthdays together. After we broke up and the spring and summer months passed, he called to wish me happy birthday. After we fell back in step and he still chose not to take the risk for the promise of a forever us, months later, he sent me a happy birthday text. This year, he got engaged. And I got indignant. (Lol.) And last week, my birthday came and went...with...for the first time in years...no birthday wish from him. I wasn't sure how I felt...other than being very aware that he didn't do it. (Strange the things we pay attention to.) I tried to settle myself with it - because after all, we...are not...cool...anymore. If communication is cut-off, shouldn't it be cut-off for all things? But, wouldn't you know it, a few days later, it came. The belated birthday text. From him. I looked at my phone and then put it down. Responding hours later with a simple 'thank you'. Part of me thought, why bother with the birthday well wishes? I mean yes...I understand that it's nice to do. That kind words never hurt. But, maybe they do. His birthday is almost a week after mine. And I don't think I'll be extending my well wishes this year. Not because I hate him or because I'll forget or because I wish him a bad birthday. But because if I extend it, there is a chance, however slim, that I'll be awaiting a response of some sort that will give me a clue as to what's going on in his life...a slippery slope. (A recovering alcoholic doesn't go around sniffing liquor bottles, no matter how long they've been sober.) And perhaps, because I think it's time. So, can somebody check the Rule Book on this one? When you cut love-ties because neither of you can handle it, does the cut go all the way through everything? Or is the birthday wishing/Christmas card sending tie still left in tact?

The Rules of Disclosure
I was watching the new episode of 'The Game' on Friday. Melanie (Tia Mowry) is at a place where she is dating two men at one time, both men aware of that. In this episode, she hooks up with the doctor she's dating and then, after some begging on Derwin's (the other dude) part, hangs out with him too. Derwin is her old flame and they've been through changes, leaving them in this place of separation/taking it as it comes.

If you have time, watch the episode below. (You can jump to about 5:15)

(Jump to about 6:05)

I'm not a proponent of folks having sex with two different people in the same night (even though she didn't end up having sex with Derwin), but what were her disclosure obligations, if any, in this scenario? I was talking with a male friend who seemed to feel that she should have disclosed her previous whereabouts to Derwin. I disagreed. I mean...the nature of dating is that people are dealing with, sometimes, more than one person at a time. She is not obligated to really, tell him anything. With that being said, understand that I DO believe in upfront-ness. Both parties should know what the deal is. And in this case, they do. Derwin knows Melanie's deal...and that she's dating other people. But, that, to me, does not mean that she has to tell him everything she does with everyone else. So...until they have gotten to the point where they are at an agreed upon state of exclusivity, what are the rules of disclosure?

Autopilot: Disengage

2008-11-21T12:04:00.004-05:00

“You have to be ready at any moment, to give up who you are and what you are, for who you could be.”

My sister called me Sunday afternoon to tell me that she had realized that she had been living on autopilot…and that it was time for her to stop. She is already a phenomenal woman, according to her younger sister. :) But, she felt like she was just going through the motions of life and not stepping out in some of the directions that her spirit was pulling her. I completely understood. She and I have very similar spirits. We are very rational beings, enjoy being ‘in control’ of our lives and choices and do things in an orderly way. We also have very strong passions that exist and continue to pop up. We are dreamers. We want to help and inspire people and make a difference through our passions. And despite what we have been trained/schooled to do, we both recognize that our purposes may exist outside of the majors listed on our degrees.

My passions are mostly creative in nature. I love to write. I love photography. I love using both of them to connect with people. And to help and encourage people. When I write something and someone says…this is exactly what I was feeling…I thought it was just me…I feel more accomplished than I do in a 40 hr week at work. That’s something.

And I am doing these things now. Aside from my regular job, I am writing and doing increasingly more photography work. But perhaps, that is no longer enough. Perhaps, since I may not have stepped forward on my own, God is presenting opportunities to make me step forward anyway? I’ll be shooting my first wedding next month for a friend…because she needed me to. I never would’ve volunteered myself for something like that…lol. So, I’ve been studying and preparing so that I can do my best. Over the past few months, I’ve had some opportunities pop up that have allowed me to improve my skills. Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker who said he can provide me with the post-processing tools I need and additional tools to improve my deliverables. This morning I ran into Krush Groove on the way into the building. We got to talking…come to find out, he’s been doing photography work for years. And it looks like he’s going to help me out with learning more about Photoshop. I don’t really believe in coincidences. These nudgings seem increasingly to be coming in these areas where my passions are. On top of the fact that I’m having to drag myself out of bed in the mornings to come to a job that is not at all bad. Not to mention that I seem to be more and more surrounded by people who are in similar positions, have similar drives and goals and are extremely supportive and encouraging. Coincidence? I think not.

I’m not even sure where my thought process is going as I write this. Perhaps just a stream of consciousness. Perhaps by putting it in writing, I’m making it more real. Perhaps I’m coming to terms with it all. Perhaps, like the quote (not sure who said it), I am measuring this idea of the willingness to give up the comfort of now for the possibility of a greater future.

I’m nervous and excited. Admittedly, this is a much better feeling much more than an everyday melancholy. This is good. This is good. This is good. (Say things three times when you want them to stick, right? :))

Melting the Melancholy

2008-11-18T09:49:00.002-05:00

So, I had a pretty bad case of the doldrums last week. The perfect prescription for remedy (at least temporarily) was a weekend of friends and simple fun. Friday night we celebrated a friend's birthday by gliding across the ice...okay okay...so gliding may be too smooth of a word to describe my motion...but, I successfully made my way around the rink many times...lol. We even played ice tag, which could've been a recipe for disaster, but we all finished with no bumps or bruises, at least for the most part. Ice skating was followed by music and games at his house til the early hours of the morning. Good times.

Saturday I was a complete vegetable. Bonded with my couch all day and watched several movies. I really enjoyed 27 Dresses...cute movie. In the evening I met up with my rec team for late night bowling. We had a blast and shut the alley down. My team is absolutely hilarious and I could not have thought of a better way to spend my evening. I hung out with those crazies until almost 6am...lol.

Sunday afternoon I visited a friend who had recently relocated locally. We had a good afternoon/evening of girlfriend time - conversation, hair-doing, movies...good stuff. You know, quality girlfriendships, new and old, are so valuable. Thank goodness for them.

It was a great weekend. Perfect for pulling me out of the melancholy place I was in on Friday. I have a renewed sense of...making moves. More to come in my next entry.

Just another Manic Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday...

2008-11-14T08:59:00.003-05:00

Why am I feeling like this every morning? I'm dragging. It's a struggle for me to get out of bed on time and subsequently, to work on time. I mean...I like my job well enough. But, if my response to jobs is at all like my response to men...then just liking it well enough may be the problem. I don't not want to have my job. (Especially in this tough economic time.) There are elements that I find interesting and at times challenging. But, there are other things that truly invigorate me. Writing...photography...creating things...planning things... Those are the things that will find me happily wide awake at 2am. The things that excite me. My job is what I went to school for...it is technical...science and math. Factual areas. But, I am a creative being. And I sometimes wonder if I left the science & math, if my being would still be as creative. I don't know. Just breathing out the thoughts this morning.

Sigh. Time to make the donuts....

Part IV - Yes. We. Can.

2008-11-05T01:04:00.003-05:00

God bless Barack Obama and Joe Biden. God bless the United States of America.

Part III - 8 things I was thinking in the voting line...

2008-11-04T15:48:00.003-05:00

My two hours worth of random thoughts while I was waiting to vote:

1. This is awesome. I've never seen this many people come out to vote at my polling place. Cool.

2. Next personal research project: election reform. Surely there has to be a better way to streamline national elections.

3. Why do we only have 15 voting booths here?

4. A voting man is sexy. Yay to all the attractive brothas that were in line with me...it made the time go by faster...lol.

5. I wonder how many black boys will now feel differently about what they CAN do.

6. If Obama is elected, I hope that Black folks don't expect immediate change just because he is Black. If you weren't rich today, you won't automatically be rich on January 20th. He'll need some time. And let us not forget...if elected, he'll be the president of the U.S., not of Black America. His responsibility is to the whole country.

7. Man...I really can't imagine having been around in the time where our parents/grandparents/great-grands didn't have the right to vote. I wonder if I would have had the same strength they did to protest, boycott and fight. Two hours is nothing compared to some of the things they went through. Ever forward!

8. What's next?

Part II - 2 hours 15 minutes...worth the wait...

2008-11-04T15:20:00.010-05:00

Enter line: 11:00 AM

11:30 AM - Moving along

12:00 PM - Made it to the door! Woo hoo!

12:15 PM - Even more people inside...

1:00 PM - Finally checking in

1:05 PM - Almost my turn...

1:15 PM - I'm outta here!

1:20 PM - Enough said!

Part I - The nervous excitement...

2008-11-04T08:51:00.007-05:00

I couldn't really sleep last night. It's the way I felt before the first days of school or work...or before any big event. Nervous and excited. Don't want to oversleep. Wake up every few hours and peak at the clock on my nightstand. Wondering what the lines will be like...will I have time before work or should I go in the midday?

The polls here open at 7 am, so I finally got up around 6 and got dressed. Armed with my camera and an assortment of breakfast snacks and my IPOD, I headed out the door. My polling place is only about two blocks or so away...so I could tell as soon as I drove out, the place was packed. It was 6:40 AM and the line was looped around and around and around. Folks were out there with their chairs, breakfast, novels and more. It was awesome. I felt a little emotional seeing all of these determined voters waiting patiently for the doors to the polls to open. I drove around for awhile just looking at all the people. Snapped a few pictures. I did decide to head to work and come back later. I'm going to head back over at about 10:30 or so. I'll keep you posted. But, whatever the line is looking like where you are, take the time to vote. It's not just a privilege, it's an obligation.

When it rains...

2008-10-28T08:33:00.006-04:00

...it pours. Is it just me, or when there's a new him to like, do folks start coming out the woodworks? It must be some type of documented phenomenon. In less than a week's time, one friend who I haven't hung out with in awhile wants to take me out...one friend who previously wanted us to swear on our 'just friends' status stepped in clear violation of it...one friend is quietly conveying his interest, only quietly because he is at the beginning of the official ending of his circumstance...and one guy whose lack of availability due to his job caused me to take my focus off of him, has resurfaced with two visits and several I miss yous. Seriously? It's almost laughable. I can be chillin by myself for months and months at a time. No one in particular calling. No one particularly interested in my whereabouts. No one checking for me. No one vying for my nights or weekends. Am I mad about it? Lol. No. Just kinda amused I guess. I guess that's the cycle...drought and deluge. It's cool though...I'll just put on my rain boots and see what the rest of the rainy season brings...giving particular preference to the fresh new rain. :)

Ms. N.D. Pendent

2008-10-24T09:45:00.004-04:00

She reached for her wallet out of habit. He held the black leather case with the check in one hand and his credit card in the other. She casually reached her own card across the table and he looked at it with both amusement and confusion. In a relaxed voice he said...You can put that away. After all, didn't I ask you out to lunch? She shrugged and said...well, yes, but you never know. She was like a Girl Scout...always prepared. He smiled warmly. Well, I invited you to lunch with me, so I am treating. She smiled...outside and inside. She liked this. Thank you. They sat at the table chatting while the waitress took care of the check. She brought back the receipt and he jotted down the tip and his signature. Despite the lunch 'hour' time constraint, they had already been there for an hour and a half enjoying each other's company. Duty calling, they slid out of the booth and walked towards the door. She arriving there first, extended her hand to the door. He placed one hand on the small of her back and reached over her to put his other hand on the door as he chuckled...Can you let me get the door for you? She looked up at him and grinned sheepishly...oh, thank you. They proceeded outside and she continued...you know, I don't even think about it most times, I just open it myself. I'd hate to just be standing in front of a door waiting for someone to open it...she laughed. I don't know, maybe it depends on how they were raised, but not all men open doors. He shook his head, looked at her and intently replied...well, maybe you've been dating the wrong men. Her stomach fluttered a little, but she held his gaze and said, maybe I have.

Pearls of Wisdom

2008-10-21T12:04:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I went to the funeral of my coworker's mother. I had never met her, but my other coworkers and I went in support of him. My prayers are with him and his family during this time and into the future, when all of the commotion slows down. It was a nice service...she was clearly a woman who loved her God and her family above all else. Those she left behind were a moving testimony to how she lived. I knew none of the family there with the exception of my coworker...it's amazing how the heart feels the emotion of others and reacts to their sadness. Compassion is a wonderful thing, it keeps us connected.

Among all the things shared at the funeral, there were two things that stood out to me - in a life lesson kind of way.

Her grandson was speaking about his memories of her. While he was talking he referenced the movie Evan Almighty. He said in the movie, there was a part where Evan asked God (played by Morgan Freeman) for patience. Morgan Freeman's response was(paraphrasing)

...If you pray for patience, I don't give you patience. I give you opportunities to be patient. If you pray for courage, I don't give you courage. I give you opportunities to be courageous. If you pray for better relationships with your family, I don't give the relationships to you. I give you opportunities to spend time with your family...

Wow. I felt very AHA! in that moment. Our job is to pray for the things we need. God's job is to allow us to grow in those ways. We never learn from things being handed to us. We learn through the opportunities to work and grow in the areas where we are lacking. Funny enough, Evan Almighty was on tv last night.

The second pearl came from the Reverend performing the ceremony. When talking about the wonderful woman who had passed, she noted all of the joys that her loved ones had from loving her. And now that she has passed, they all are sad - because of how strongly they love her. She paused and said, we have to understand that grief is the price we pay for love. Grief is the price we pay for love. Wow again. Wherever there is love, there will eventually be loss. Not in an ominous way...but that is what life is. People change, leave, die. It's the natural cylce of life. Does that mean we choose to not love in order to avoid the grief? Not as far as I'm concerned. We have all suffered loss in our families, in our friendships, in our relationships. And in some cases more than others, it's hard to allow ourselves to love again because we don't want to hurt that way again. But, imagine how much joy we would miss out on. Imagine what the trade-off is...no love, no pain. And really...even if you 'don't love', that does not guarantee the no pain...so we might as well LOVE! I would hate to miss out on loving my family and friends because of the fear that one day they won't be there anymore. I would hate to miss out on loving him (whoever him is) because of the fear that he won't be there forever. Loving people is the good stuff of life. The great stuff of life. The reason for life. As cliche' as it is, it is so true that...it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Absolutely.

he calls. i smile.

2008-10-16T23:05:00.002-04:00

...and while not seemingly significant, it is. it's been quite some time since there was a new him whose calls, whose voice, whose conversation made me smile. and laugh. he asks me questions. and remembers the answers. he thinks i'm pc and teases me about it. i laugh and tell him i'm not as pc as he thinks. he'll find out. he's respectful and gentleman-ly. i think he may be a bit traditional, like me. don't talk much to my friends about him yet...as if that would diminish the possible potential of him. no need to risk it though...lol. it's early. so right now, he calls. and i smile.

Honestly...

2008-10-14T17:37:00.002-04:00

...I think I like him.
...I think I'm more nervous about finding a reason not to like him than I am about liking him.
...I'm not sure I know how to relinquish control.
...I'm restless at work.
...I sometimes think I missed out on the years where it was 'acceptable' to do irrational things.
...I'm nervous about what happens if Barack Obama doesn't win and if he does.
...I wonder if he still thinks about me...and if he's married yet.
...I wonder if I set the bar too high so that no one can reach it.
...I'd like to live in the Caribbean for a year.
...the nonchalance usually hides some emotion I haven't gotten to yet.
...I waste way too much time procrastinating.
...sometimes I think I romanticize life so much that real life doesn't always seem as exciting.
...I wonder how many men could be in a relationship without sex...and not cheat.
...casseroles with chicken and melted cheese are unappetizing to me...sorry, was watching Rachel Ray.
...I find myself more enamored with babies lately.
...if I ever have a daughter, I hope she gets all of my good stuff and less of my bad stuff.
...as much as I see myself being married...the thought that I won't find someone I would want to spend a lifetime with, scares me.
...I wonder how close I am to my purpose.
...I'm still working on mastering the moment.
...I don't know what I'm going to do with my hair.
...it keeps popping up in my dream...I wonder if that means anything.
...I could use a perfect kiss...a really good one would do too.
...I think that's enough honesty for now. I might need a nap. Nah...I'm going to watch Lincoln Heights instead.

Small Victories

2008-10-07T11:35:00.004-04:00

I saw him for the first time since he began wearing a wedding ring.

Here in he will be referred to as Pige (Potential isn't good enough).

Background

He's the one I spent many of my early to mid (okay, possibly to late...lol) 20's playing around with. Never defined, but always present. The one who's potential always excited me. The one who I had unexplainable physical chemistry with. The one who made me feel like taking risks but would never take the risk on us. The one who would look at me and never say all he was feeling. The one whose long time friendship complicated the times where we were more than friends. The one that for so long I thought...maybe if I wait just a little longer, he'll be ready. The one who I allowed myself to be a different kind of girl for...the kind of girl who dismissed relationships, rationalized behaviors, you know the drill...all for that tingly feeling in my stomach that seemed to come in the door when he did.

Our first kiss occurred when my high school sweetheart was away in the military. I should've know then...while I stood on the curb in front of my parents house, Pige dropped a kiss on me and then ran away. Pretty much set the pace for the future...lol. Don't get me wrong...our 15 years of friendship and more were memorable and invaluable...wouldn't trade them for the world. But, sometimes it takes a while to understand that history isn't a good enough reason to maintain a relationship in the present...especially one that is not fulfilling your current needs.

I cried hard when he told me he was engaged almost two years ago. It hurt. The final reality hurt. Even though it had long ago occurred to me that Pige was not the man for me, the poignant reality of his pending nuptials hit hard. And then...I had a tough love session with myself. Forced myself to isolate my myths and truths. One of the important truths at the time was that...Pige and I should not be having the same discussion about the same problem at 27 that we had at 20. It was important to be honest with myself...my spirit has always been one in constant search of growth...and that situation was completely the opposite of growth. None of the little details was going to alter the overall picture. He was not for me. And no amount of imagination and excuses was going to change that.

So, he got married earlier this year. And the nuances of it all were and are none of my business. (That realization was a big step in and of itself.) And when I saw him with that ring on his finger, I had no desire for a matching one on mine. I didn't feel sick to my stomach. I didn't get to the car and cry. I didn't spend the next few days discusisng him and his wife. No. I saw him. With the ring. And I gave him a cordial what's up. And there was nothing more. ha. Ha. HA. !!!

And I don't say these things with the authority and boastfulness of an arrogant victor. I say these things with the relief of a struggling conqueror. But today, I am proud of the struggle and even more proud to be on this side of it. And now I will struggle to conquer one more. But, that will be a blog for another day. For now, I'm enjoying this victory lap. Yay me!

I love my H-B-C-U...alright alright alright!

2008-09-24T13:40:00.002-04:00

This was a great weekend. Absolutely.

My alma mater came to town to play a local HBCU in football. My alumni folks showed up in numbers...I think we outnumbered the home fans. As far as the football game went, we crushed them...lol. So, by the time halftime rolled around, there was no need to continue to hang out in the stands...so we got to mixing and mingling around the stadium. Plenty of folks were in town for both the game and the Black MBA conference. I got to catch up with old friends and look at potential new ones..lol. My girl was in town and she has a cousin who works at this soul food spot. We swung through there after the game and got some good eating in. This caused a mandatory nap when we got back to the house. We were supposed to go out at 10 pm, but the couches held us captive until after 11...I think it was a setup!

Anyway, we met up with my other girl and made it to the spot before midnight. The party was being hosted by a few alumni members, so it was thick with folks I went to school with. I encountered the guy I had a crush on in school at the door and he loved me up with lots of hugs. I hadn't even gotten inside yet and I was already overstimulated by the evening...lol. Anyway, there's was nothing but good stuff on the inside. We chilled and kicked it like it was the late 1990s and we were still back in school. The DJ clearly had a play list because the song selection was perfect! I saw folks I hadn't seen in forever and we all stayed until the lights came on and the bouncer guy started threatening us to get out...lol. We hung out outside for awhile and then went to IHOP.

By the time I got home and in the bed it was 5am. Wow. Hadn't done that in awhile...this was the most fun I've had in some time. Sunday my mind and body was moving in slow motion. Although we hung out like we were 19, my body was still...30...lol. But, it's all good.

Man. I love my HBCU. There was nothing like it when I was there and there's nothing like it now, as an alumnus. The experience is irreplacable. To all the folks that question the relevancy and importance of these schools...you're way off. I'll post a whole blog about that in the future.

But, until then, I'll be representing my alma mater with nostalgia, pride and joy!

Hodgepodge, Hullabaloo and Other Miscellany

2008-09-16T21:53:00.004-04:00

1. Are these broads serious about boycotting Oprah??? The Florida Federation of Republican Women have decided that since Oprah will not have Sarah Palin on her show, they will all boycott both her show and her magazine. Read this foolishness/tomfoolery: http://www.ffrw.net/ffrwinthemedia.html. They must be confused...they don't run this...this is Oprah...if Harpo couldn't beat her, they don't have a chance. Lol.

2. I'm in the process of growing my hair out. I've got this little natural that's becoming a bit more of a natural and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do with it yet. Sometimes I feel like this:
Lol...good ol' Monchichi.

3. Sarah Palin. Seriously?

4. Today I could've really used a hug.

5. I know that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. And I am a bit of an old-fashioned kind of girl. But, where's the line between waiting on that man to find me, his good thing, and being the passive chick on the sidelines?

6. Things aren't always as shiny as they seem on the outside. But, hopefully, sometimes they are.

7. What is this dude talking about? He is so full. It's funny how the man at the top gives up nothing, but thinks it's okay for the regular folks to do so. Maybe someone will call him on it.

8. Hullabaloo means uproar. (I looked it up earlier...lol) I just like the word.

9. I'm sleepy.

The Case of Mr. Krush Groove

2008-09-11T19:25:00.003-04:00

So the latest in my schoolgirl crush on the brown man who works in my building...he will be here after referred to as KG (Krush Groove)...lol.

My two coworkers who sit out front have been on the KG case since they saw me grinning from ear to ear after seeing him a few weeks ago. I only gave them minimal details cause you know once you tell other folks, they start trying to take it farther and faster than you were ever trying to go. They've been like hilarious KG private eyes, trying to figure out who he is. One of them actually had picked KG out, but I brushed it off like I didn't know who she was talking about. I mean, I'm just trying to live my dream right now. LOL.

Anyway, today, KG was on my floor and my girl from the front called to tell me she thought my crush was out there. I came out, plans in hand (cause I had to look like I had purpose!) and sure enough, there he was...chillin against the wall, waiting for a meeting to end. I strolled by, said hello and kept walking. I walked over to my girl and was like...nah...that's not him. Lol. On my way back through, KG and I started chatting. Our official first conversation. We talked about what we did at work, how long we'd been there, the recession, where we were from....and per my usual M.O., his people are from the islands...I definitely have a thing for the brown guys with an all the time or occasional or underlying Jamaican/Trini/African/etc accent. (There's something about a man who knows how to use the word wicked!) He asked me my name and told me his. We wrapped our convo when his official business on our floor came calling. And so we parted ways.

It was cool. But I guess I'm concerned that any additional information could damage my perfect views of KG. Silly, huh? I don't want the girls up front to know cause I feel like they might taint it by trying to push it and get all sorts of information. For now, I'd like to continue to run into him sporadically and giggle to myself...and spot him from the window, tilt my head to the right and think...I like his style...and let him just be my KG with no expectations or disappointments involved. I have enough real life disappointing guys/situations.

So for now, I'll continue to deny their questions and uphold the ignorance is bliss theory. Me and Krush Groove sitting in a tree...yep, I like this better.

Where were you when...

2008-09-09T18:59:00.007-04:00

As I watched the news this morning and they were talking about the upcoming 7th anniversary of the September 11th attacks, I was thinking about the events that have shaped the lives of this generation. My parents' generation can likely recall where they were when MLK and JFK were killed...when the first man walked on the moon...the Vietnam War...the day when certain music greats died - Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Buddy Holly...and more.

What were the big (non-personal) events that still remain so sharp to me that I can remember my exact location when I heard? Here's what I got:

The Space Shuttle Challenger crashed (Jan 1986) - I was in the 3rd grade. I, my classmates and my third grade teacher Mr. A, sat around the radio listening to the launch, excited about both Ronald McNair and the teacher Christa McAuliffe who were on board. When the space shuttle crashed we were devastated.

The OJ Simpson verdict was announced (Sept 1995) - I was in my freshman year at college, in a sociology class of all places. They had brought in a tv so we could all watch the outcome. The whole case was crazy.

Biggie was killed (March 1997) - Maybe I'm weird for remembering this, but I do. I was in college and it was spring break. We had gone home with my friend to SC for the week. The tv was on in the living room and they made the announcement...we just stood there with our mouths hanging open.

Aaliyah's Plane Crashed (August 2001) - I was living in NC. I had fallen asleep with the tv on and around 4 am or so I heard them say that Aaliyah had been in a plane that crashed. I thought it was a dream until I woke up fully and saw it on several stations.

Sept 11th attacks (Sept 2001) - I was living in NC, sitting on the couch watching tv when the news started coming across. I was so confused about what was going on that I called my childhood friend who was also living in NC at the time. We stayed on the land line with each other while trying to call home on our cell phones. We were terrified.

Barack Obama elected as president (Nov 2008) - I'll be at a victory party!! :)

I'm sure there are more, but these are the one's that immediately come to mind. Perhaps strange, perhaps not.

Do you remember where you were when these things happened?

One more song - Necessary Encouragement

2008-09-04T10:04:00.004-04:00

Okay, I meant to put this on my list the other day. I wanted to share this song because it is one of the most encouraging, convicting, spirit and anxiety calming songs I've heard. On days where my heart hurts because it just doesn't understand why he wasn't my him and I feel even further, that my heart's happiness is out of reach, the promise of it makes me cry. On days where I'm turned around and unsure about what's next, the promise of it comforts me. A lot of things happen in our lives that we don't understand...but how awesome is it to know that God is in control, that He knows what we're feeling and that He has much greather things in store for us than we could ever imagine. So when you can't see what tomorrow holds...and yesterday is through...remember I know...the plans I have for you. Anyway, enough of my ramble...lol.

So, if you've never heard this song - Martha Munizzi's I Know the Plans, take a listen. And check out the whole cd - The Best Is Yet to Come.

14 Random Songs I Like

2008-09-02T10:45:00.003-04:00

I don't know why...just felt like sharing these songs this morning. I'm the girl that knows the words to songs on every radio station from R&B to oldies to country to rock to rap to easy listening. I'm feeling pretty random today, so here's a random list of 14 of my random favorite songs...enjoy... :)

Angie Stone - Holding Back the Years (love her version of this)

Martina McBride - This One's for the Girls (great anthem for girls & women)

Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis (he is KILLIN IT in this live version)

James Blunt - beautiful (love his voice)

Cassandra Wilson - Time After Time (her version of this song is mesmerizing)

Aretha Franklin - Do Right Woman, Do Right Man (I know that's right!)

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lovers (great lyrics)

Zhane - Everything Happens for a Reason (beautiful song - still wonder what they meant when they wrote it))

Brian McKnight - Never Felt This Way (loved this song since that episode when Martin proposed to Gina in the park)

England Dan & John Ford Coley - I'd Really Love to See You Tonight (don't know where I first heard this, but always loved the sentiment of the song)

Plain White T's - Delilah (just like the sound of this one)

Lauryn Hill - The Sweetest Thing (ahhh Lauryn...come back soon!!)

Wyclef featuring Claudette Ortiz - Two Wrongs (I always sing this song at the top of my lungs...lol)

Norah Jones & the Handsome Band - Humble Me (NJ has such a great and pure voice...you have to catch her live!)

Yes. We. Can.

2008-08-29T08:51:00.001-04:00

The DNC Continues

2008-08-27T08:19:00.003-04:00

I said I wasn't going to write about the DNC everyday, so I'll try to make this entry short. (I swear...from staying up late watching the Olympics to staying up late watching the DNC and after chatter...I need a nap!)

I made it through most of Hillary Clinton's speech before dozing off. I thought she did a great job. It's funny because watching the analysts breaking down her speech afterwards, they were searching for anything to attack. So they said, hey she never actually said that Barack would make a great president. Seriously? I mean, Hillary could have gotten an Obama tattoo on her neck and that wouldn't have been enough for them. Politics is a business and she's a business woman. She made it clear that she was down for the cause. She let people know that this was not about her, but about something greater. And for all those who voted for her, she called them to recognize that (what she hopes) they were voting for were her beliefs and goals for the country. And if they were, then Obama has those same beliefs and goals, so it's time to transfer that vote.

I was watching CNN and someone interviewed this one black woman who was a delegate (can't remember from where). But, this woman was so emotional and adamant about Hillary. Like her life was over because Hillary was not on the ticket. I understand the hardcore support. But, I think this is where we get stuck. We stay trying to hold on to some stuff long after the relevancy of it has passed. The bottom line is that there will be two candidates running for president. Obama and McCain. And while your preferred candidate may not still be in the running, it is important to vote between the two that remain. We must choose the one who is closest to what we believe and what we want for this country. Withholding your vote in protest because someone else isn't there is a waste of time and cutting off your nose to spite your face. Because either way, one of those two men is going to end up in the White House.

So, let's get ourselves together people. Evaluate the two final candidates. Watch the Democratic National Convention this week and the Republican National Convention next week. Do some research.

Barack Obama - http://www.barackobama.com/index.php
John McCain - http://www.johnmccain.com/

Try to look through all of the rhetoric and tom foolery of the ads and the spin of the political analysts. Look for where they stand on the issues most important to you...the economy, healthcare, Iraq, education, poverty, foreign policy, humanitarian efforts - domestic and international, HIV/AIDS, etc.

And after you do that, most importantly, VOTE for whichever one most exemplies how you want to live for the next four years. Come on folks, let's get it.

Okay...*stepping down off my soapbox*

Great week...and it's only Tuesday!

2008-08-26T08:29:00.005-04:00

Why this has already been a great week....

Sunday afternoon my kickball team (yes, my grown folk kickball team...lol) had our first game of the fall season. (Don't sleep...the game is back...check it out...www.kickball.com) This is our third season in the league and the first two definitely were our 'building' seasons...lol. Sunday, we put it down! Not only did we play well, we won by a nice healthy margin. Victory!!! After the game, the team hung out at a Mexican restaurant for lots of good conversation and laughs. Yay team!!

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. Now...that in and of itself did not bring joy to my day...lol. But, what did was when I walked into my dentist's office and found all of the staff in the reception area participating in their very own...office Olympics!!! They were in the middle of a basket toss type game when I came in...and this was the final event that would decide who took the gold. At the end, there was a medal ceremony, where each of the teams was awarded either a gold, silver or bronze (plated) medal (light plate cover on a ribbon). :) I was privileged enough to witness the moving ceremony and even take a picture for the participants. Long live the Olympics!!!! :-D

Last night a few of my girls came over for dinner and some catch-up conversation. Good food and good company. We caught up in between the speakers at the DNC. Which leads me to the final excitement for the week this far...

How about Michelle Obama????????????????!!!!! I'm always proud to be a black woman, but last night let the rest of the world know why. I mean, Michelle put it down, absolutely. She came out there, made the message plain and showed America that she is what so many of us are...woman-daughter-sister-mother-wife-professional-activisit-caregiver....all in one. I have no doubt that some, if not many, have cast Michelle Obama in the same stereotypical light of the 'angry black woman'...for the same reason that many of us are. Because we are professional. Because we are serious about ourselves and our business. Because we decided some time ago, that we don't have time for the silliness. Because we are strong. Because we will defend and stand strong for our loved ones. Because although we are ladies, we will always have the fight in us. Because we are capable of filling so many roles at one time that folks may think we're schizophrenic. And this is why I think Michelle Obama is great. Not because she is the exception. But because she is the rule. She is representing for so many of us in such a wonderful way. Yes America, put it down in history, THIS is how WE roll.

When I reminisce over you/Someone take my cell phone away

2008-08-21T18:12:00.002-04:00

So this is one of those days where I've spent a little too much time staring out the window, stuck in past thoughts and flashbacks...doing a little skipping down memory lane. This is one of those days where I woke up thinking about an old him who used to make me...smile. We don't talk anymore...haven't talked to him in more than a year now. But today, I was at work thinking, damn. That old him. Had to remind myself...he's an old him for a reason... Had to call my girl to have her talk me off the ledge and talk me out of a random text or phone call. Lol. Man, reason #657 that I love me some Jill Scott lyrics...her song was in my head all day...explains it so perfectly...

Old him. O' him. I swear these days come out of nowhere. Okay, if I can make it through the rest of today without unauthorized communication, I think I'll be good. Whatever...forget him...I'm a grown A woman with strength and will power...he don't got nothing on me...he's old news...I got this.

(...er...was that convincing enough?????????) Keep your fingers crossed for a sista, would ya!?

Victory is Sweet...sometimes...

2008-08-21T08:30:00.005-04:00

If the Olympics don't end soon, I'm going to be a walking zombie!! But, hey, it's worth it.

After these Olympics, I am a grand fan of beach volleyball! I have been following the US women's team of Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh since the games began and they are fierce! Last night, in the pouring rain, they beat the talented Chinese team for the Gold medal. Yes! They played two great matches to win the set on a spike by Walsh. These ladies apparently have not lost a match since the game was invented...lol...okay, maybe not that long, but they have a serious winning streak. And I'm sooooo glad it continues!

In the men's 200-m race, that quick-footed Usain Bolt shut 'em down again. It's amazing to watch. He did seem to work a little harder in this race and hold off the celebration until after the race was done, but he still took it by several strides. Good stuff. Unfortunately for the US, Wallace Spearmon, originally taking the bronze, was DQ'd for stepping on the lane line several times. Shortly after that, the dude from the Netherlands (I think), originally taking the silver, was also DQ'd for the same thing. This moved the other two US runners - Shawn Crawford and Walter Dix, into the silver and bronze positions, respectively. I don't know...the athlete in me feels that if I'm at the Olympics and win a medal, I don't want it to come from two other folks getting DQ'd on a technicality. I don't want to tell my grandkids...yea, I actually came in 5th, but uh, that bronze was all mine! But, I know Crawford and Dix didn't have a say in the matter...and I could even tell that Dix, in his after race interview, wasn't it feeling it too tough either. But I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles or the way the race ends. Congrats to them all nonetheless!

Good Black Man Day - OOOOOWEEEEE!

2008-08-20T08:10:00.007-04:00

Some days the brown men get me down. And some days they make me want to sing...lol. Yesterday was one of those days.

--I was on my way out of the building to go to lunch. I got on the elevator and this tall, slim brotha with locks complimented me on my facial features...asked me where my people were from and I told him...Maryland and Alabama...lol. He laughed and I told him beyond my grandmother, some of my people are from the West Indies, to which he said, Aha...that's what I see in your face. I smiled. There's nothing like a unexpected compliment on an elevator from a man with beautiful locks. Anyway, everybody got off the elevator and I ended up chatting with him and his coworker who were both at the building to handle some business. They were breaking for lunch and asked if I'd like to go. Normally I say...umm...I don't know you like that...lol...but instead this time I said, sure. (But we still took two separate cars...lol) The three of us went to lunch, did some networking and I particularly enjoyed my conversation with Slim about art and doing what you have to do in parallel with life passions.
--I spent some time talking with one of my male friends. He's such a good guy and never ceases to have be doubled over in tears from laughing so hard. He's my constant reminder that the truly good ones are out there. (He's married, but I'm still believing that there are others like him who are not!)

My other encounters were much more superficial, but you need that sometimes, too. :)

--I was driving out of a shopping center and there was a man SO FINE standing on the sidewalk with his shirt tie on that I momentarily turned into a redneck cause all I could say in my car was... OOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! LOLOLOL!
--I had to take my company car over for servicing. There was this extremely attractive gentleman standing at the door on my way out. He spoke, asked me how I was and when I said good, he said, you certainly are...and followed me out the door to watch me walk to the car. Somedays it makes you roll your eyes and other days it just makes you giggle. Yesterday I giggled. ;)
--When I got back to work, I got on the elevator and this cute guy who works somewhere else in the bldg got on with me. We chatted, I gave him some witty conversation. As I got off on my floor, I left him laughing and smile. (hi-five to self!)

And last but not least...

--When I got home, Slim had found me on Facebook and sent me a message. Nice. :)

Oh those brown men. Gotta love them. At least some days. LOL!

Functional Faith

2008-08-18T09:49:00.004-04:00

We had a guest preacher yesterday at church - Rev. Michael W. Palmer, Sr. of New Friendship Baptist Church in Baltimore, MD.

The title of his sermon was 'Functional Faith' and he was coming from the text of Mark 10:46-52. He spoke a lot about what faith actually means and how it is very much an action word, because as we know, faith without works is dead.

The point that he made that summed it all up and really stuck out to me was regarding the blind man in John 9. The man had been blind all his life at the time at which he met Jesus. Jesus spat on the ground, made clay and anointed the blind man's eyes with this clay. Jesus then told the man to go wash in the pool of Siloam. The man went, washed and was able to see. Pretty straight forward situation, right?

What Rev. Palmer brought to our attention was this - this man not only had to have faith to receive his sight, but he also had to put in some type of action to make manifest of what Jesus had blessed him with. According to Rev. Palmer, when the Bible says that Jesus 'anointed' the man's eyes with clay, that implies that upon the clay being placed over his eyes, his sight was restored immediately. However, because his eyes were covered with the clay, he still could not physically see. Jesus had blessed him with sight, but he could not use it until he went and washed the clay off. Had he not both faith AND action, he would have continued through his life with the gift of sight, but the obstruction of the clay preventing him from using it.

The translation for our lives today is clear. God blesses us in so many ways so many times. And while we believe He does, we do not always ACT in conjunction with His blessings. Faith without works is dead. He could bless us all day long, but if we don't make the simple step to wash the clay off of our eyes, we will still be blind to all of the great things He has set out for us. I mean, there's no reason to let good blessings go to waste, right?!? So, my prayer is that we be moved to action to make manifest of the blessings that He has already sent our ways. Let the washing off of the clay begin!

You might be an Olymics junkie if...

2008-08-17T19:47:00.004-04:00

...you've been late to work everyday because you stayed up too late watching the games.

...you now know the official rules of beach volleyball, water polo & international basketball.

...you know that the US men's swimming relay team was disqualified in a world competition because Crocker entered the pool too early...and you were thinking...he better not...while watching the Olympics relay earlier last week.

...you watched Greco-Roman wrestling, badminton or table tennis. Period.

...you didn't think silver was good enough for Dara Torres.

...you referred to the guys on other teams as punks just because they were beating the US team in the sychronized diving competition.

...you're still waiting on ol' girl from the Chinese gymnastics team to get stripped of her gold cause there ain't NO WAY she is 16 years old!!

...you not only know who Michael Phelps is, but you know who Cullen Jones is...and that he almost drowned when he was 5.

...you were on the internet looking up 5 countries that you had never heard of before the opening ceremonies.

...you sat in a roomful of folks on a Saturday night screaming as the US men's swimming relay team won the gold, giving Michael Phelps his 8th gold medal.

...you don't know how to swim, but you know how many laps 1500 m are!

...you couldn't turn the channel, even when they were showing the women running the marathon...lol.

...when the US is out of any competition, you adopt another country to cheer for.

...you think folks who just watch US men's and/or women's basketball are Olympic amateurs!

...you've been at work secretly trying to figure out if you have enough leave or money to still get to Beijing.

AND....

...you can now identify the opening bars of the national anthems of more than 10 different countries!!!!!

Aren't the Olympics GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

The Road Trip Analogy

2008-08-11T17:06:00.003-04:00

I hit the road this weekend to head down to visit some friends in NC. I knew that I'd be going down a few months ago and planned it out, as much as was necessary. I thought about leaving Friday afternoon, but because of the traffic I've faced before, decided to wait until Saturday AM. I packed Friday evening. A friend of mine came by that evening and told me he was going to ride down with me for the weekend. Cool. So, I went to bed at a decent hour, got up and dressed in the morning. Called my friend and in less than 12 hours, he had changed his mind and decided he'd stay here and get some work done. Okay. I'm not a fan of folks commiting to one thing and then un-commiting to it, but, it wasn't going to change my trip.

I hit the road before 9 and hopped on I-95. Thinking to myself...I'm out early enough, I should be able to roll down my windows, turn up my music and ride out. That's how I planned it. Well, despite the planning, I had gone about 45 miles and ran into the back of silly traffic congestion that had no cause - no accident, roadwork, etc. - other than too many folks on the road. I was first annoyed at the audacity of the traffic to mess up my plan. After so many minutes of creeping along on the 95, I got off, and hopped on a smaller roadway - US 1, hoping to fare better. US 1 of course had traffic signals, fewer lanes and a lower speed limit...but at least it was moving. So, I stayed on 1 for awhile, tried to make up some time and then hopped back on 95. That went well for all of...10 minutes and then I hit the backup again. Thoroughly frustrated, I said, later for this, got back on 1 and took it all the way to I-85. This time when I got on 1, I was okay with it and then began to enjoy the scenery, the little towns and all the things I would not have driven by had I stayed on 95. I have been making this drive for many years and this was the first time that I saw some of these gorgeous places. See where I'm going with this...lol...

In taking this little journey south, it occurred to me that this was just like life. You can make the best plans. People can both support you and disappoint you with their participation or lack thereof in your plans. But, you never know when you're going to hit unexpected congestion or road blocks. And you can either wait it out patiently, which is fine, or you can get pissed off about it. Or, you can decide to try another way. And in trying another way, you can continue to be mad about the first attempt that met with resistance. Or, you can choose to let that go and appreciate the things that this 'alternate' plan has brought you. You can accept that your plan, although altered, is still good and is still worthy of much excitement. And by doing so you get to enjoy so many beautiful things that you hadn't even planned on initially.

As I've heard...plan for the worst, hope for the best and be flexible with everything in between.

Oh...I got your b*tch...

2008-08-11T10:41:00.002-04:00

Okay, so...I was minding my business on Friday, driving to lunch. I was driving straight through a signalized intersection when a car from the opposite direction started to make a left turn in front of me because they didn't see me coming. I honked my horn, slowed down and swerved around them...thus avoiding an accident that would've been the other driver's fault. As I drove around them, the sista in the passenger seat yelled 'bitch' out the window. Sometimes I think I have a strong fighting alter ego, as my first reaction was to whip the car around and pursue her...to do what...I don't know...lol.

So, I'm thinking...'bitch' even? I swerve to avoid the car that you're in, that would be at fault if the accident were to happen. I save your boy who's driving, the hassle of having to call his insurance company and report it and pay for the repairs on my car because he wasn't paying enough attention while he was driving. I save you some pain, as it would be your side that I would've hit, t-bone style. And that qualifies me as the 'bitch' in this situation, huh?

I mean...if I'm going to get the title...at least let me have done something to deserve it. Let me have taken your man, stole your bike or run over your pet hamster. But, to have saved you pain, saved your boy money and saved us all time...how about a 'thank you, girl!' instead? Just a suggestion.

Ladies...let's be a little less loose with the 'bitches'. There is life and death in the tongue. Because let's face it car girl, you don't know enough about me to call me a bitch anymore than I know enough about you to call you a hot ghetto mess. Just a thought.

The AHA Moment

2008-07-29T23:02:00.003-04:00

This weekend I had an insightful conversation with an insightful woman. I find it quite therapeutic talking to her because through our trying-to-understand-life convos, she allows me to see things in a way I hadn't previously considered. I think we take turns at shedding the light on our various confusions...lol. Anyway, we were talking about the engaged ex and I was telling her that in a weird way, I wasn't feeling as...affected...as I thought I would have. It's like, right before you get in an accident...you brace yourself and wait for the crash. You wait for the pain. But then, for whatever reason, the crash isn't as bad as it could have/should have been. Yet, you still imagine/feel that you're as hurt as you would've been had the crash been as bad as you expected. Well, I think that's where I am. I knew the engagement would be coming eventually and perhaps a year ago, I would've been crushed. But today, I'm actually not. I mean, I was blown when I found out and even felt angry/betrayed in some ways. But, crushed, I wasn't. Strangely enough, there is some sort of comfort in the expected reaction. Because the reaction is tied to the feelings I have/had for him which ties me to that oh so wonderful 'in love feeling'. And the 'in love feeling' is what I seem to be holding onto. And the reason that I may not be letting go completely, even though I think I may be ready to do so, is that letting it go would mean accepting that that 'in love spot' is empty again.

Here's the thing. Being in love or loving someone romantically is a euphoric feeling. It feels good to love someone that way...it feels good to have identified someone that you think you could spend a lifetime with. The feeling feels good, even when the situation may not. And so sometimes...the AHA moment...I try to hold on to the feeling (and the people) way too long because letting go would mean I'm left without someone to love...and without someone to love, what do I have? Aha...and...sigh. Never thought about it like that. And looking back over my history with men and holding on, it makes even more sense.

My truth is that I want someone to love. But, more specifically, I want someone to love that will love me back...in the same ways. Because if loving someone is euphoric, than adding the reciprocity is...rapturous. And, I'd much rather have rapturous. I deserve rapturous. So, if that means releasing the past that has already released itself from me, then that is what I have to do. And the space that opens up in my heart...I'll spend a little more time loving myself and those around me who love me.

Thanks for walking me to the Aha moment. Wish me luck.

Brown Sugar Thursday Randomness

2008-07-24T08:18:00.004-04:00

I'm shaky today. Emotionally shaky. I feel so back and forth with all of this. Somedays I'm cool. Moving along just fine, enjoying myself, keeping my mind free and clear. And other days it's just like...wham! Just dropping on my spirit. Last night/today is one of those times.

I don't understand. To have been told I'm 'wife material' so many times in my life, but to still not be one...hell, to not be a girlfriend. To have men grow with me and then receive wedding announcements, seemingly right after we break up (maybe a little more time in between, but still). As if my role is that of the husband-preparer. I'm tired of grooming every-damn-body else's husband. I don't get it. I've never considered myself a naive woman. For the most part, I think I can sense when folks are lying. And so, I don't understand how men can love one woman and marry another. Or love two women and marry one. Are they really happy that way? Are they truly THAT good at compartmentalizing their feelings? Are we as women just not capable of grasping it because we don't have that ability?

Look at the movie 'Brown Sugar'...that said it all. Dre (Taye Diggs) married Reese (Nicole Ari Parker) knowing good and damn well that he was truly in love with Syd (Sanaa Lathan). But, he figured he had been with Reese for awhile, she was a good woman, it was about that time, so why not? The bama got married. Now Syd did get engaged to Kelby (Boris Kodjoe) - only after Dre got married. However, it was clear that she was never going to be able to go through with it...and she didn't. Why? Because she knew that her heart was with Dre. She was really incapable of marrying this other man, no matter how good of a man he was, because we are not made like that. Men, on the other hand, can have the love of their life tell them that they're waiting, but they won't leave the Dre-Reese relationship that they're in because it may be too much of a risk. Seriously? Seriously? We're talking about a lifetime and they don't want to take the risk for true happiness. That's some punk shit. At least from this woman's perspective.

So, I could ask him...when did he fall in love with hip-hop and hope that he could and would say that he's been in love with me since the first day he saw me and can't see me not being the woman in his life for another day. But, I think I'd have to watch Brown Sugar in order to get the Dre-Syd reconciliation type of ending. Good thing I own the movie though, because reality's ending isn't quite as sweet.

Where does your heart feel lightest?

2008-07-22T08:30:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I really wonder how people used to work in the same job for 40-50 years. I assume that, in most cases, it had more to do with responsibility than affinity for their work. A lot has changed and nowadays folks will change jobs every few years if they choose. But, regardless of how much job-hopping we do, how happy are we in any given position?

Every so often, I go through these times where I struggle to get up for work EVERY SINGLE morning. Sometimes I stay up too late; sometimes my iron level (& therefore my energy level) may be low; sometimes I just want to take a vacation...etc etc...but, I have to believe that at times it is more than that. As far as my job goes, it's cool. I don't love it, but I like it and enjoy my field and the people that I work with. I enjoy the tangible nature of my work...designing or reviewing something and then in the future actually being able to go outside and see it built, functioning and improving what was there before. That's cool. But, it's still not my passion. It's not what I could see myself happily doing in 20 years.

An old friend of mine asked me an interesting question a few months back. We were talking about purpose and jobs and passions and how to know what we were supposed to be doing. She listened to me ramble on about my 9 to 5 and about my love of writing/ creativity/ communicating emotions & experiences in a way that others can feel understood and validated. She paused and asked me a simple question. When and where do your heart and your spirit feel lightest?

Hmmm. My spirit feels light when...I am creating. My spirit feels light when...I capture something in a way that allows someone else to see things differently. My heart feels light when...it's 3am and I'm in my makeshift darkroom printing black & whites. My spirit feels light when...I'm driving with all the windows down and verbally composing a new poem of substance. My heart feels light when...I can let someone know they are not alone in their experience or thinking...

I don't think I'm supposed to up and quit my job right now. (At least, I don't think God has put that in my spirit just yet.) But, I do think I should spend much more time in those places where my heart and spirit feel light. And maybe those are the things that will make me eager to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings. If not for this paycheck, than for another opportunity to create something wonderful for someone else and/or myself. Now that's something to look forward to.

Streams of Consciousness

2008-06-26T12:45:00.012-04:00

1. Thank God for great girlfriends...I always feel that my girls are invaluable. But, when the bumps in the road come...i.e. ex's getting engaged...the great ones really shine. They step up, hunker down for the first slew of expletives when I'm angry, console me when I figure out I'm more hurt/sad than angry, validate me when they agree and keep it real when they don't, and give me the pep talk when its time to get moving again. Never underestimate the power and the strength of the sista-circle.

2. There are no coincidences...The other week, in the midst of the ex-bomb, I was still reeling a bit from the surprise. I was asked to help out at this community service activity...reading to kids and promoting literacy. Cool deal. Well, there was a fair amount of activity, but I really didn't have to much to do...so I read a few short books (Amelia Bedelia wasn't a favorite of mine...lol) and chilled. To make a long story short, I ended up chatting with a woman about the phenomenal film 'Souls of Black Girls' (http://www.soulsofblackgirls.com/) and the implications of absent fathers and positive reinforcement on the self-esteem and self-image of black girls and black women. Somehow, this convo transitioned into one about relationships, heartbreak, patience and release. We had never met before and she knew nothing of my recent news...but, in the middle of this great conversation she says...I don't know what it is for you right now, but you are going to be okay. Whatever happened yesterday is over. Let it go. Whoever he was, let him go. Yours is coming. I can feel it in my spirit...you will be just fine. It's time to let it go.... And I was speechless. Thanks for the messenger, God.

3. She was a great woman...A close friend of my mom's passed away the other week. She had battled ovarian cancer for some time. As I sat in the pew at her funeral, I felt the tears welling up...for her passing, for her husband and two sons, for the void that would exist in the lives of all those filling the church...including my mom. But, I think I was most overwhelmed by the wonderful way in which everyone spoke of her...not in that it's her funeral so everyone says something nice kinda way. But in the genuine, she had an awesome spirit, kind of way. I want to live my life in a way that when I'm gone, I will have made a difference in someone's life. That people and the world would have been better because I was here. Like Mrs. J. I learned a lot about her I didn't know from listening to her friends and family speak about her. She will be sorely missed by those of us here, but I can only imagine that God had the perfect spot for her...after all He wants the best one's to be with Him. We'll miss you.

4. I love black women...including myself. I love their strength, resilience, beauty, diversity, intelligence, capacity for love, faith, loyalty, ability to nurture...I love the way that black woman are not just capable of, but good at, taking care of others...children, friends, husbands, folks they don't even know...I love the way that black women just get it...no explanations needed...from one sista to another...they've been there and understand...man, black woman are truly phenomenal. And one day...the rest of the world will figure it out, too.

5. Strumming my pain with his fingers...singing my life with his words...killing me softly with his song...there's nothing like great lyrics. I am in love with great music. Lyricists who write songs like they're walking in my shoes hold a special place in my heart. Right now I'm still doing a little bit of flip-flopping over the ex (what else is new, right??). I'm somewhere in between Ms. Scott's My Love...

Yo...I'm tripping right...I heard you got married...You got married?... It don't really make any sense...but You know what this is, You know what it was...You chose her cause she's sweet as pie...Take what you give...even your lie...But baby,are you happy without me?... She scrubs your back,washes your clothes...Gives you everything that you ask for...But don't you ever want more?...

...and Chrisette Michele's Best of Me...

Saw you again at the parlor/Crossing the walk with your lady/I caught your eye from afar off/I know that she wore a ring/I found a smile against my will/Wish it was genuine/I put away my desire/No more "in love with you still"/Look I'm moving on, oh/Loved you, lost you/Thought I'd give you/All the best of me/We departed/Broken hearted/I need to be free/What we had was/Oh so lovely/I'll swallow my pain/Its my time to/Find the best of me/Can't be the time to be begging/Can't be the time to plead/My momma made me much wiser/What's mine will be just for me/I'm trying hard just to focus/I'm trying hard to sleep/Promise I'm glad you're happy/When its my time it will be/Look I'm moving on, oh oh oh/Loved you, lost you/Thought I'd give you/All the best of me/We departed/Broken hearted/I need to be free/What we had was/Oh so lovely/I'll swallow my pain/Its my time to/Find the best of me...

Chrisette's coming to town so hopefully, I'll catch the concert and not only sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, but truly follow them...what we had was oh so lovely, I'll swallow my pain...it's my time to find the best of me...now THAT deserves a lighter in the air.

Love Addiction

2008-06-11T13:09:00.004-04:00

Love addiction. If there is such a thing...I think I've hit rock bottom. I'm achy, sore and just plain out of sorts. In the earlier phases of addiction, I have existed in euphoric spaces and times. Back when he and I shared the same vibe, even if not at the right time. Back when I could look in his eyes and know that, in that moment, those words were his truth. Back when I was able to make myself completely vulnerable, despite the odds being against me. I was fully willing to take the risks and follow my need for the fix of him. All things that we are addicted to are not bad things...they just become bad for us when we know we can't/shouldn't have them, yet we can't seem to moderate and control our need for or use of them.

When we finally decide to admit our addiction...hi, my name is Love-hunger and I'm an addict...we make a conscious decision to get on the wagon and away from whatever it is that is the focus of our addiction. It's cold turkey. No in-betweens. I told him, we can't do the friend thing. I can't do the friend thing. As much as I adored him and his friendship, any contact - even the kind disguised as platonic interaction - would only magnify my desire for him and us more. No hits for druggies, no sips for alcoholics, no contact for me.

Every so often, I would think about leaning off the wagon, just a little bit. And every so often, I would, very carefully, hold on to the side and lean over. Perhaps I can handle it. A little contact never hurt nobody, right?? Ha. I consider myself to be relatively intelligent, but the smartest of us can even be fooled by our own selves. That tricky girl...talking me into a quick text, email or phone call. And look at me...falling for it every time.

I think we only 'wake-up' when something drastic happens. When drug addicts get high, overdose and almost die. When alcoholics get behind the wheel of the car and end up hurting someone else. When the focus of a love addict's attention decides to marry someone else. Damn. Rock bottom. Didn't see this one coming. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Sadness. Acceptance.

So, I lay down here, looking up and don't really know what the next step is. I have some anger. Some sadness and disappointment. Some confusion...trying to understand what I missed. I'm assuming I don't have acceptance if I still have all the before-mentioned feelings, right? Not sure if there are 12-step programs for this, but if there are, somebody give me a name tag and a Sharpie because this hurt is for the birds...sigh...

Good times...

2008-06-02T23:11:00.003-04:00

Every so often you have one of those weekends that is full of the good stuff. This was one of those weekends. Friday night we celebrated my girl's birthday. Good friends, good food, good conversation....and even a bit of irony for kicks. This guy that the birthday girl had talked about fixing me up with some months ago, came through. Not bad looking at all...but had slight undertones of corniness. Anyway, the old potential fix-up guy and one of my other girls ended up hitting it off, at least for the night..lol, seemingly quite well. When another friend asked me, in so many words, if I was bothered by it...I said, not at all. The way I see it, he just wasn't for me. As for my girl who ended up interacting with him...she got what she needed and possibly peeped the scene enough for all of us to know that this was no major loss for any of us. Nice save! lol.

Saturday the family had a good old-fashioned cookout in celebration of achievements. Despite the torrential downpours and weather that seemed to indicate the second coming, everything turned out well. Cookout food always does the soul good! A few friends came through that I always love spending time with. So, we got to hang out, laugh, catch up and play a couple of spirited rounds of a Taboo-like game involving describing and guessing. Completely hilarious...with me breaking out in contagious chants of 'Attica! Attica!' when I felt the other team was cheating...lololol.

Later on that evening, I had to break away from the game to get dressed to go to an organization function. Was having too much fun and didn't want to go, but I eventually sucked it up and got ready. I felt like such a pretty-girl with the fam and friends smiling when I came back downstairs all glammed up. Nice. I felt like it was prom...lol...I was taking pictures in my dress with folks before I left. Anyway, finally made it to the function, two hours late, and hung out for the remaining 2 hours. The DJ was actually quite nice, but don't think I would've missed anything had I not shown up...except for the fact that my agreed upon date for the evening would've have been left by himself. He's still talking about me for being that late...lol. I think I owe him two hours now. :)

Sunday morning I made it to the early service at church and the message was on point. Love that. Sunday afternoon, my rec team FINALLY won a game (and tied one too)! WOOOO HOOOO!!!! It's been a long time coming, but we finally made it to the other side. This is only our second season playing in this league, and while we have quite an athletic squad, the win had been quite elusive. Nevertheless, we found it on Sunday. Post-win found my team at the division bar celebrating. A handful of team drinks later, the events just kept getting funnier and funnier. I almost caught a back cramp from laughing so hard...yes, a back cramp...that's serious...lol. My team is great.

By the end of the evening, I was exhausted from the weekend and playing outside in the heat all day. Luckily, I didn't have to go to work Monday, which made the weekend all the better. Although, now that I'm sitting here after midnight, Tuesday's going to be a long day...lol. But, it's cool, cause the weekend was nothing but good times...so that should at least push me through to the next one... :-D

Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

2006-04-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

Okay so...I was watching what is becoming one of my new favorite shows....How I Met Your Mother. Great show...check it out, Mondays at 8:30 pm. The underlying theme of tonight's show was how one of the character's mother always said that nothing good happens after 2 am. And I'm sitting there watching the show thinking, how true!! These are truly words to live by. Nothing good happens after 2 am. I was thinking how any decisions you make after that hour are usually lacking in rationale. Any actions that you make after that hour are usually lacking in restraint. I've made some shaky choices in the wee hours of the morning. Allowed some less than reputable things to go down in the early morn. In this technology age, we have even more ways to act up. Picking up the cell to make the call. Sending an inappropriate text starting with a seemingly innocent You up? Catching someone online and saying things on IM that you would never say in person. The opportunities for after hours foolishness are everywhere. And I guess we all have succumbed to it at some point and in some way. But, things change. We grow up, mature, change our views, put ourselves in less risky situations and allow less silly stuff to go on. (Hopefully.) So, I'm officially adopting the theme of the show as one of my newest life rules.

Because let's face it...Nothing good happens after 2 AM. Just go to sleep.

Easier Said Than Done

2006-04-10T12:59:00.000-04:00

Okay so...I've usually been a proponent of 'honesty is the best policy.' I think folks should be upfront, clear and forward with how they feel. And this is what I pass on to my guy friends when they tell me the tales of the woman that just won't go away. She may be nice enough or she may be crazy or any number of things in between. But, either way, they claim they don't want to be in a relationship with or hang out with or mislead them. So, I always simply say, Well...did you tell them that?? I tell them how they can't expect someone to go away or to know that they aren't interested in them in the same ways without you directly coming out and saying so. I joke with them about being scared of the woman or sometimes I dole out tough love telling them that should either just come out and say it or stop complaining about her being around. But, as I've come to find out, it's not always so easy to do. I am still a strong advocate for clear and direct, but I know that it may not always be so black and white.

I found myself in a similar situation where one of my guy friends appears and acts as though he is interested in somewhat more than I am. And while I genuinely like him and enjoying hanging out with him and all that, I have no inclination for something more than that. It has gotten me in precarious situations that are sometimes a little difficult to get out of. So, I'm thinking to myself that I have to do something about this. I have to tell him that I'm not interested in our friendship going in that direction. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't want to lose the coolness of our friendship. I'd like for us to still hang out and have fun. I don't want things to be awkward. Hmmm...so I guess it's not as easy as I thought it should be. Now, the guy is not by any means in love with me or falling me around with an engagement ring, I just know that there are some directions that he's interested in going with me that I'm not with him. What to do? What to say? How can I clearly express my feelings on what I do and don't want without hurting his feelings or bruising his ego or losing the friendship? I guess there are no guarantees on the outcome. But, the friendship could take a bad turn if I don't say something on this end. So, although it turns out that this is much easier said than done, I still have to do it, huh?

Man. I guess I'll have to grant pardons to all my boys who have been recipients of my tough love 'just be a man and tell her' speeches. At least this time. Lol. Not to worry though, I'm sure they'll come up with some other reason for me to step up on the friend-girl soapbox to dish out some helpful hints.

You Don't Send Me Flowers

2006-03-30T19:05:00.000-05:00

Okay so...I've never been a girl who needed grand romantic gestures or expensive gifts to keep me happy. Thoughtfulness does rate high on my appreciation list however, so I do enjoy thoughtful, considerate, kind and surprise gestures. But, one of the things that I've always had this little thing for...and this may seem silly...is someone sending me flowers at my job. I don't know why...maybe I saw it in a movie once or read it in a book, but I've always wanted to get a call from the front desk saying that I had a package and then to my surprise, it turns out to be flowers! I've talked about it enough over the years that my best friend took pity on me and sent me tulips one year...lol. Well, fast forward to the present...on Monday I was sitting at my desk, maybe working, when my coworker calls to tell me I have a package. I'm thinking...I wasn't expecting anything, but maybe someone sent me updated plans for one of my projects or something. I walk to the front to see what it is (looking right past a beautiful bouquet of red roses in a vase sitting on the counter). "So, where's my package," I ask her. She laughs. "Right there on the counter...it's the roses!" Confused much more than I should be, "Huh? Those are for me??" She laughed again, "Now, if you don't want them...I'll take them off your hands!" Finally I get the picture, pick up the roses and head back to my desk. Considering it wasn't a holiday or my birthday nor do I have a boyfriend nor am I really even dating anyone at this time, I hadn't a clue who might have sent them. I finally read the card when I get back to my desk. The card reads something like...Just wanted you to know I thought about you today. A perfect little card for the perfect roses for the perfect office delivery. And on a normal ol' Monday morning. How perfect! Well...almost. While I greatly appreciated the flowers and loved the gesture, the man who sent them is not someone I'm interested in. A very nice guy with pretty clear intentions, yet for me, there's no reciprocity of pursuit. So, as the roses sat on the ledge in front of the window in my cubie, I immediately begin to think about the implications of these pretty flowers. What did he want? Had we not just previously discussed just being friends? Would there be more to come? Would he go overboard with gifts? So on and so forth. I eventually got back to work, occassionally staring at the beauty of the flowers and smiling. When I left work, I left the flowers on the window sill to greet me in the morning. On my way home I was telling my sister about the bouquet delivery and how I was wondering what it implied and what I might need to be concerned about. I went on to talk about I was talked about someone sending me flowers at work, yet when I got them, I was trying to ask a million questions. Then I wondered aloud if this was some kind of sign from God that this man really was the one for me or something....despite the fact that I haven't a single tinge of anything for him. I know...crazy, right? So finally my sis mercifully stops my paranoid rant. She pointed out that although I've always talked about getting flowers at work, the actual occurrence of it did not mean that God was sending down some declaration of my soul mate. Rather, it was simply the kind, thoughtful, surprising gesture that I'd wanted. The sender of the flowers wasn't so much the important thing in this case. It was the beauty of the flowers as they sat in my window sill and the joy that I got upon realizing that someone had sent ME flowers of their own free desire. How very true. I began to appreciate the flowers in a much simpler way...unclouded by nonsense questions and concerns regarding the in depth meaning of each petal. After all, they were just roses. Just pretty red roses. For me. When I went to work the next morning, the petals had begun to open up and I pulled opened the shades to expose them to the full sunlight. Absolutely beautiful. I sat down, opened up my email and giggled...someone sent me flowers!

Release Me

2006-03-16T12:31:00.000-05:00

Okay so...I went to church last night for Wednesday night service. The speaker's general topic was forgiveness. He spoke dynamically about the power of forgiveness. He dealt extensively with the importance of understanding that forgiveness typically does more for the forgiver than for the one which is being forgiven. When we choose not to forgive, but instead carry around grudges, anger, hate and the like, that burden exists with us. It is a weight that we continue to carry whether the other person or persons involved care or think anything about it. And I thought to myself...how true! When I think of those that I believe have wronged or hurt me in some way, I tend to become irritable or angry or sad all over again. That is my weight. My burden. Not theirs. That is taking up space in my heart that could be otherwise occupied by something better and greater. The British/English equivalent of forgive/forgiveness is release. Release the pain. Release the anger. Release the hurt. Release the resentment. And eventually, release the burden. The concept makes perfect sense to me. Now, I just have to figure out how to do it. Can I give that which was not asked? If those who have wronged me have never apologized and asked me to forgive them, can I truly do so? Presumably, the answer is yes. If it were not, that would mean that everyone we come in contact with would have the master controls over our lives and hearts. I can't be turning 50 and still talking about how some girl spread rumors about me when I was 15 and never apologized! Forgiveness is really independent of he or she who is to be forgiven. The power of forgiveness rests in the hands of he or she who does the act of forgiving. There is no need for confession or confirmation or approval on anyone else's part. We could wait and waste a lifetime on hoping someone else will recognize and own up to the fact that they have done us wrong. But, clearly, a lifetime is far too long to be "unreleased." To release is to let go. To release is to free. To release is to find ease. To release is find peace. So, to the little hardened corners of hurt, anger and resentment I own, I say simply, RELEASE ME.

(Sounds good, huh? This puts me on what I'm sure is like a 100 step plan to forgiveness...lol. I would look for a forgiveness class to take somewhere...but, I already have one...church...)

Don't Forget Your Coat

2006-03-15T12:25:00.000-05:00

Okay so...I'm on my way to work yesterday morning, leaving on time for once. It's a little cold and windy in the AM, but the day promises to warm up a little later on. The kids are wrapped up and walking to school...at least most of them. There are little ones in coats, a few with hats and gloves. Some are visibly a little chilly and I wonder who sent them out without a warmer coat this morning. But, the warmer coat quickly became a passing thought as a passed one little miss who was clad in a jean mini, fitted sweater and short boots. Not only did my internal question become, where's your coat, but...where are the rest of your clothes?? Followed by the question of who let her out the house in that? I mean, I'm all for letting your kids express themselves and choose their style and all that, but this was just too much. I'm guessing, at most, she had to be maybe 11 or 12. And I'm envisioning the mama, okay maybe MY mama, at the door as she walks out saying, ummm...where do you think you're going in THAT? I understand that all parents aren't home when their kids leave for school to double check the outfits. But even still, why would those pieces of clothing even exist in a 12 year old's closet??? The kids are wearing too tight clothes, scandalous t-shirts, and many other things that likely have passed right under the nose of a parent or guardian. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm not allowed to speak on it. But, I'm saying...if they're dressing like this at this age...should we expect thongs and stillettos to be the accepted attire in a few years?

Speechless

2006-03-09T21:28:00.000-05:00

Okay so...now that I have someplace to write, I have nothing to say. Had plenty on my mind a few hours ago but topics seem to escape me as I sit in front of a blank page. Isn't that always the way? Can't wait for lunch and then you're not hungry anymore. Can't wait to get in the bed and then you can't go to sleep. It's the ol' hurry up and wait. I guess since patience is a virtue that I'm working to make a little less elusive, I won't rush it...