When it rains...

...it pours. Is it just me, or when there's a new him to like, do folks start coming out the woodworks? It must be some type of documented phenomenon. In less than a week's time, one friend who I haven't hung out with in awhile wants to take me out...one friend who previously wanted us to swear on our 'just friends' status stepped in clear violation of it...one friend is quietly conveying his interest, only quietly because he is at the beginning of the official ending of his circumstance...and one guy whose lack of availability due to his job caused me to take my focus off of him, has resurfaced with two visits and several I miss yous. Seriously? It's almost laughable. I can be chillin by myself for months and months at a time. No one in particular calling. No one particularly interested in my whereabouts. No one checking for me. No one vying for my nights or weekends. Am I mad about it? Lol. No. Just kinda amused I guess. I guess that's the cycle...drought and deluge. It's cool though...I'll just put on my rain boots and see what the rest of the rainy season brings...giving particular preference to the fresh new rain. :)

Ms. N.D. Pendent

She reached for her wallet out of habit. He held the black leather case with the check in one hand and his credit card in the other. She casually reached her own card across the table and he looked at it with both amusement and confusion. In a relaxed voice he said...You can put that away. After all, didn't I ask you out to lunch? She shrugged and said...well, yes, but you never know. She was like a Girl Scout...always prepared. He smiled warmly. Well, I invited you to lunch with me, so I am treating. She smiled...outside and inside. She liked this. Thank you. They sat at the table chatting while the waitress took care of the check. She brought back the receipt and he jotted down the tip and his signature. Despite the lunch 'hour' time constraint, they had already been there for an hour and a half enjoying each other's company. Duty calling, they slid out of the booth and walked towards the door. She arriving there first, extended her hand to the door. He placed one hand on the small of her back and reached over her to put his other hand on the door as he chuckled...Can you let me get the door for you? She looked up at him and grinned sheepishly...oh, thank you. They proceeded outside and she continued...you know, I don't even think about it most times, I just open it myself. I'd hate to just be standing in front of a door waiting for someone to open it...she laughed. I don't know, maybe it depends on how they were raised, but not all men open doors. He shook his head, looked at her and intently replied...well, maybe you've been dating the wrong men. Her stomach fluttered a little, but she held his gaze and said, maybe I have.

Pearls of Wisdom

Yesterday I went to the funeral of my coworker's mother. I had never met her, but my other coworkers and I went in support of him. My prayers are with him and his family during this time and into the future, when all of the commotion slows down. It was a nice service...she was clearly a woman who loved her God and her family above all else. Those she left behind were a moving testimony to how she lived. I knew none of the family there with the exception of my coworker...it's amazing how the heart feels the emotion of others and reacts to their sadness. Compassion is a wonderful thing, it keeps us connected.

Among all the things shared at the funeral, there were two things that stood out to me - in a life lesson kind of way.

Her grandson was speaking about his memories of her. While he was talking he referenced the movie Evan Almighty. He said in the movie, there was a part where Evan asked God (played by Morgan Freeman) for patience. Morgan Freeman's response was(paraphrasing)

...If you pray for patience, I don't give you patience. I give you opportunities to be patient. If you pray for courage, I don't give you courage. I give you opportunities to be courageous. If you pray for better relationships with your family, I don't give the relationships to you. I give you opportunities to spend time with your family...

Wow. I felt very AHA! in that moment. Our job is to pray for the things we need. God's job is to allow us to grow in those ways. We never learn from things being handed to us. We learn through the opportunities to work and grow in the areas where we are lacking. Funny enough, Evan Almighty was on tv last night.

The second pearl came from the Reverend performing the ceremony. When talking about the wonderful woman who had passed, she noted all of the joys that her loved ones had from loving her. And now that she has passed, they all are sad - because of how strongly they love her. She paused and said, we have to understand that grief is the price we pay for love. Grief is the price we pay for love. Wow again. Wherever there is love, there will eventually be loss. Not in an ominous way...but that is what life is. People change, leave, die. It's the natural cylce of life. Does that mean we choose to not love in order to avoid the grief? Not as far as I'm concerned. We have all suffered loss in our families, in our friendships, in our relationships. And in some cases more than others, it's hard to allow ourselves to love again because we don't want to hurt that way again. But, imagine how much joy we would miss out on. Imagine what the trade-off is...no love, no pain. And really...even if you 'don't love', that does not guarantee the no pain...so we might as well LOVE! I would hate to miss out on loving my family and friends because of the fear that one day they won't be there anymore. I would hate to miss out on loving him (whoever him is) because of the fear that he won't be there forever. Loving people is the good stuff of life. The great stuff of life. The reason for life. As cliche' as it is, it is so true that...it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Absolutely.

he calls. i smile.

...and while not seemingly significant, it is. it's been quite some time since there was a new him whose calls, whose voice, whose conversation made me smile. and laugh. he asks me questions. and remembers the answers. he thinks i'm pc and teases me about it. i laugh and tell him i'm not as pc as he thinks. he'll find out. he's respectful and gentleman-ly. i think he may be a bit traditional, like me. don't talk much to my friends about him yet...as if that would diminish the possible potential of him. no need to risk it though...lol. it's early. so right now, he calls. and i smile.

Honestly...

...I think I like him.
...I think I'm more nervous about finding a reason not to like him than I am about liking him.
...I'm not sure I know how to relinquish control.
...I'm restless at work.
...I sometimes think I missed out on the years where it was 'acceptable' to do irrational things.
...I'm nervous about what happens if Barack Obama doesn't win and if he does.
...I wonder if he still thinks about me...and if he's married yet.
...I wonder if I set the bar too high so that no one can reach it.
...I'd like to live in the Caribbean for a year.
...the nonchalance usually hides some emotion I haven't gotten to yet.
...I waste way too much time procrastinating.
...sometimes I think I romanticize life so much that real life doesn't always seem as exciting.
...I wonder how many men could be in a relationship without sex...and not cheat.
...casseroles with chicken and melted cheese are unappetizing to me...sorry, was watching Rachel Ray.
...I find myself more enamored with babies lately.
...if I ever have a daughter, I hope she gets all of my good stuff and less of my bad stuff.
...as much as I see myself being married...the thought that I won't find someone I would want to spend a lifetime with, scares me.
...I wonder how close I am to my purpose.
...I'm still working on mastering the moment.
...I don't know what I'm going to do with my hair.
...it keeps popping up in my dream...I wonder if that means anything.
...I could use a perfect kiss...a really good one would do too.
...I think that's enough honesty for now. I might need a nap. Nah...I'm going to watch Lincoln Heights instead.

Small Victories

I saw him for the first time since he began wearing a wedding ring.

Here in he will be referred to as Pige (Potential isn't good enough).


Background

He's the one I spent many of my early to mid (okay, possibly to late...lol) 20's playing around with. Never defined, but always present. The one who's potential always excited me. The one who I had unexplainable physical chemistry with. The one who made me feel like taking risks but would never take the risk on us. The one who would look at me and never say all he was feeling. The one whose long time friendship complicated the times where we were more than friends. The one that for so long I thought...maybe if I wait just a little longer, he'll be ready. The one who I allowed myself to be a different kind of girl for...the kind of girl who dismissed relationships, rationalized behaviors, you know the drill...all for that tingly feeling in my stomach that seemed to come in the door when he did.

Our first kiss occurred when my high school sweetheart was away in the military. I should've know then...while I stood on the curb in front of my parents house, Pige dropped a kiss on me and then ran away. Pretty much set the pace for the future...lol. Don't get me wrong...our 15 years of friendship and more were memorable and invaluable...wouldn't trade them for the world. But, sometimes it takes a while to understand that history isn't a good enough reason to maintain a relationship in the present...especially one that is not fulfilling your current needs.

I cried hard when he told me he was engaged almost two years ago. It hurt. The final reality hurt. Even though it had long ago occurred to me that Pige was not the man for me, the poignant reality of his pending nuptials hit hard. And then...I had a tough love session with myself. Forced myself to isolate my myths and truths. One of the important truths at the time was that...Pige and I should not be having the same discussion about the same problem at 27 that we had at 20. It was important to be honest with myself...my spirit has always been one in constant search of growth...and that situation was completely the opposite of growth. None of the little details was going to alter the overall picture. He was not for me. And no amount of imagination and excuses was going to change that.

So, he got married earlier this year. And the nuances of it all were and are none of my business. (That realization was a big step in and of itself.) And when I saw him with that ring on his finger, I had no desire for a matching one on mine. I didn't feel sick to my stomach. I didn't get to the car and cry. I didn't spend the next few days discusisng him and his wife. No. I saw him. With the ring. And I gave him a cordial what's up. And there was nothing more. ha. Ha. HA. !!!

And I don't say these things with the authority and boastfulness of an arrogant victor. I say these things with the relief of a struggling conqueror. But today, I am proud of the struggle and even more proud to be on this side of it. And now I will struggle to conquer one more. But, that will be a blog for another day. For now, I'm enjoying this victory lap. Yay me!