The AHA Moment

This weekend I had an insightful conversation with an insightful woman. I find it quite therapeutic talking to her because through our trying-to-understand-life convos, she allows me to see things in a way I hadn't previously considered. I think we take turns at shedding the light on our various confusions...lol. Anyway, we were talking about the engaged ex and I was telling her that in a weird way, I wasn't feeling as...affected...as I thought I would have. It's like, right before you get in an accident...you brace yourself and wait for the crash. You wait for the pain. But then, for whatever reason, the crash isn't as bad as it could have/should have been. Yet, you still imagine/feel that you're as hurt as you would've been had the crash been as bad as you expected. Well, I think that's where I am. I knew the engagement would be coming eventually and perhaps a year ago, I would've been crushed. But today, I'm actually not. I mean, I was blown when I found out and even felt angry/betrayed in some ways. But, crushed, I wasn't. Strangely enough, there is some sort of comfort in the expected reaction. Because the reaction is tied to the feelings I have/had for him which ties me to that oh so wonderful 'in love feeling'. And the 'in love feeling' is what I seem to be holding onto. And the reason that I may not be letting go completely, even though I think I may be ready to do so, is that letting it go would mean accepting that that 'in love spot' is empty again.

Here's the thing. Being in love or loving someone romantically is a euphoric feeling. It feels good to love someone that way...it feels good to have identified someone that you think you could spend a lifetime with. The feeling feels good, even when the situation may not. And so sometimes...the AHA moment...I try to hold on to the feeling (and the people) way too long because letting go would mean I'm left without someone to love...and without someone to love, what do I have? Aha...and...sigh. Never thought about it like that. And looking back over my history with men and holding on, it makes even more sense.

My truth is that I want someone to love. But, more specifically, I want someone to love that will love me back...in the same ways. Because if loving someone is euphoric, than adding the reciprocity is...rapturous. And, I'd much rather have rapturous. I deserve rapturous. So, if that means releasing the past that has already released itself from me, then that is what I have to do. And the space that opens up in my heart...I'll spend a little more time loving myself and those around me who love me.

Thanks for walking me to the Aha moment. Wish me luck.

Brown Sugar Thursday Randomness

I'm shaky today. Emotionally shaky. I feel so back and forth with all of this. Somedays I'm cool. Moving along just fine, enjoying myself, keeping my mind free and clear. And other days it's just like...wham! Just dropping on my spirit. Last night/today is one of those times.

I don't understand. To have been told I'm 'wife material' so many times in my life, but to still not be one...hell, to not be a girlfriend. To have men grow with me and then receive wedding announcements, seemingly right after we break up (maybe a little more time in between, but still). As if my role is that of the husband-preparer. I'm tired of grooming every-damn-body else's husband. I don't get it. I've never considered myself a naive woman. For the most part, I think I can sense when folks are lying. And so, I don't understand how men can love one woman and marry another. Or love two women and marry one. Are they really happy that way? Are they truly THAT good at compartmentalizing their feelings? Are we as women just not capable of grasping it because we don't have that ability?

Look at the movie 'Brown Sugar'...that said it all. Dre (Taye Diggs) married Reese (Nicole Ari Parker) knowing good and damn well that he was truly in love with Syd (Sanaa Lathan). But, he figured he had been with Reese for awhile, she was a good woman, it was about that time, so why not? The bama got married. Now Syd did get engaged to Kelby (Boris Kodjoe) - only after Dre got married. However, it was clear that she was never going to be able to go through with it...and she didn't. Why? Because she knew that her heart was with Dre. She was really incapable of marrying this other man, no matter how good of a man he was, because we are not made like that. Men, on the other hand, can have the love of their life tell them that they're waiting, but they won't leave the Dre-Reese relationship that they're in because it may be too much of a risk. Seriously? Seriously? We're talking about a lifetime and they don't want to take the risk for true happiness. That's some punk shit. At least from this woman's perspective.

So, I could ask him...when did he fall in love with hip-hop and hope that he could and would say that he's been in love with me since the first day he saw me and can't see me not being the woman in his life for another day. But, I think I'd have to watch Brown Sugar in order to get the Dre-Syd reconciliation type of ending. Good thing I own the movie though, because reality's ending isn't quite as sweet.

Where does your heart feel lightest?

Sometimes I really wonder how people used to work in the same job for 40-50 years. I assume that, in most cases, it had more to do with responsibility than affinity for their work. A lot has changed and nowadays folks will change jobs every few years if they choose. But, regardless of how much job-hopping we do, how happy are we in any given position?

Every so often, I go through these times where I struggle to get up for work EVERY SINGLE morning. Sometimes I stay up too late; sometimes my iron level (& therefore my energy level) may be low; sometimes I just want to take a vacation...etc etc...but, I have to believe that at times it is more than that. As far as my job goes, it's cool. I don't love it, but I like it and enjoy my field and the people that I work with. I enjoy the tangible nature of my work...designing or reviewing something and then in the future actually being able to go outside and see it built, functioning and improving what was there before. That's cool. But, it's still not my passion. It's not what I could see myself happily doing in 20 years.

An old friend of mine asked me an interesting question a few months back. We were talking about purpose and jobs and passions and how to know what we were supposed to be doing. She listened to me ramble on about my 9 to 5 and about my love of writing/ creativity/ communicating emotions & experiences in a way that others can feel understood and validated. She paused and asked me a simple question. When and where do your heart and your spirit feel lightest?

Hmmm. My spirit feels light when...I am creating. My spirit feels light when...I capture something in a way that allows someone else to see things differently. My heart feels light when...it's 3am and I'm in my makeshift darkroom printing black & whites. My spirit feels light when...I'm driving with all the windows down and verbally composing a new poem of substance. My heart feels light when...I can let someone know they are not alone in their experience or thinking...

I don't think I'm supposed to up and quit my job right now. (At least, I don't think God has put that in my spirit just yet.) But, I do think I should spend much more time in those places where my heart and spirit feel light. And maybe those are the things that will make me eager to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings. If not for this paycheck, than for another opportunity to create something wonderful for someone else and/or myself. Now that's something to look forward to.