The AHA Moment

This weekend I had an insightful conversation with an insightful woman. I find it quite therapeutic talking to her because through our trying-to-understand-life convos, she allows me to see things in a way I hadn't previously considered. I think we take turns at shedding the light on our various confusions...lol. Anyway, we were talking about the engaged ex and I was telling her that in a weird way, I wasn't feeling as...affected...as I thought I would have. It's like, right before you get in an accident...you brace yourself and wait for the crash. You wait for the pain. But then, for whatever reason, the crash isn't as bad as it could have/should have been. Yet, you still imagine/feel that you're as hurt as you would've been had the crash been as bad as you expected. Well, I think that's where I am. I knew the engagement would be coming eventually and perhaps a year ago, I would've been crushed. But today, I'm actually not. I mean, I was blown when I found out and even felt angry/betrayed in some ways. But, crushed, I wasn't. Strangely enough, there is some sort of comfort in the expected reaction. Because the reaction is tied to the feelings I have/had for him which ties me to that oh so wonderful 'in love feeling'. And the 'in love feeling' is what I seem to be holding onto. And the reason that I may not be letting go completely, even though I think I may be ready to do so, is that letting it go would mean accepting that that 'in love spot' is empty again.

Here's the thing. Being in love or loving someone romantically is a euphoric feeling. It feels good to love someone that way...it feels good to have identified someone that you think you could spend a lifetime with. The feeling feels good, even when the situation may not. And so sometimes...the AHA moment...I try to hold on to the feeling (and the people) way too long because letting go would mean I'm left without someone to love...and without someone to love, what do I have? Aha...and...sigh. Never thought about it like that. And looking back over my history with men and holding on, it makes even more sense.

My truth is that I want someone to love. But, more specifically, I want someone to love that will love me back...in the same ways. Because if loving someone is euphoric, than adding the reciprocity is...rapturous. And, I'd much rather have rapturous. I deserve rapturous. So, if that means releasing the past that has already released itself from me, then that is what I have to do. And the space that opens up in my heart...I'll spend a little more time loving myself and those around me who love me.

Thanks for walking me to the Aha moment. Wish me luck.