Small Victories

I saw him for the first time since he began wearing a wedding ring.

Here in he will be referred to as Pige (Potential isn't good enough).


Background

He's the one I spent many of my early to mid (okay, possibly to late...lol) 20's playing around with. Never defined, but always present. The one who's potential always excited me. The one who I had unexplainable physical chemistry with. The one who made me feel like taking risks but would never take the risk on us. The one who would look at me and never say all he was feeling. The one whose long time friendship complicated the times where we were more than friends. The one that for so long I thought...maybe if I wait just a little longer, he'll be ready. The one who I allowed myself to be a different kind of girl for...the kind of girl who dismissed relationships, rationalized behaviors, you know the drill...all for that tingly feeling in my stomach that seemed to come in the door when he did.

Our first kiss occurred when my high school sweetheart was away in the military. I should've know then...while I stood on the curb in front of my parents house, Pige dropped a kiss on me and then ran away. Pretty much set the pace for the future...lol. Don't get me wrong...our 15 years of friendship and more were memorable and invaluable...wouldn't trade them for the world. But, sometimes it takes a while to understand that history isn't a good enough reason to maintain a relationship in the present...especially one that is not fulfilling your current needs.

I cried hard when he told me he was engaged almost two years ago. It hurt. The final reality hurt. Even though it had long ago occurred to me that Pige was not the man for me, the poignant reality of his pending nuptials hit hard. And then...I had a tough love session with myself. Forced myself to isolate my myths and truths. One of the important truths at the time was that...Pige and I should not be having the same discussion about the same problem at 27 that we had at 20. It was important to be honest with myself...my spirit has always been one in constant search of growth...and that situation was completely the opposite of growth. None of the little details was going to alter the overall picture. He was not for me. And no amount of imagination and excuses was going to change that.

So, he got married earlier this year. And the nuances of it all were and are none of my business. (That realization was a big step in and of itself.) And when I saw him with that ring on his finger, I had no desire for a matching one on mine. I didn't feel sick to my stomach. I didn't get to the car and cry. I didn't spend the next few days discusisng him and his wife. No. I saw him. With the ring. And I gave him a cordial what's up. And there was nothing more. ha. Ha. HA. !!!

And I don't say these things with the authority and boastfulness of an arrogant victor. I say these things with the relief of a struggling conqueror. But today, I am proud of the struggle and even more proud to be on this side of it. And now I will struggle to conquer one more. But, that will be a blog for another day. For now, I'm enjoying this victory lap. Yay me!