I love my H-B-C-U...alright alright alright!

This was a great weekend. Absolutely.

My alma mater came to town to play a local HBCU in football. My alumni folks showed up in numbers...I think we outnumbered the home fans. As far as the football game went, we crushed them...lol. So, by the time halftime rolled around, there was no need to continue to hang out in the stands...so we got to mixing and mingling around the stadium. Plenty of folks were in town for both the game and the Black MBA conference. I got to catch up with old friends and look at potential new ones..lol. My girl was in town and she has a cousin who works at this soul food spot. We swung through there after the game and got some good eating in. This caused a mandatory nap when we got back to the house. We were supposed to go out at 10 pm, but the couches held us captive until after 11...I think it was a setup!

Anyway, we met up with my other girl and made it to the spot before midnight. The party was being hosted by a few alumni members, so it was thick with folks I went to school with. I encountered the guy I had a crush on in school at the door and he loved me up with lots of hugs. I hadn't even gotten inside yet and I was already overstimulated by the evening...lol. Anyway, there's was nothing but good stuff on the inside. We chilled and kicked it like it was the late 1990s and we were still back in school. The DJ clearly had a play list because the song selection was perfect! I saw folks I hadn't seen in forever and we all stayed until the lights came on and the bouncer guy started threatening us to get out...lol. We hung out outside for awhile and then went to IHOP.

By the time I got home and in the bed it was 5am. Wow. Hadn't done that in awhile...this was the most fun I've had in some time. Sunday my mind and body was moving in slow motion. Although we hung out like we were 19, my body was still...30...lol. But, it's all good.

Man. I love my HBCU. There was nothing like it when I was there and there's nothing like it now, as an alumnus. The experience is irreplacable. To all the folks that question the relevancy and importance of these schools...you're way off. I'll post a whole blog about that in the future.

But, until then, I'll be representing my alma mater with nostalgia, pride and joy!

Hodgepodge, Hullabaloo and Other Miscellany

1. Are these broads serious about boycotting Oprah??? The Florida Federation of Republican Women have decided that since Oprah will not have Sarah Palin on her show, they will all boycott both her show and her magazine. Read this foolishness/tomfoolery: http://www.ffrw.net/ffrwinthemedia.html. They must be confused...they don't run this...this is Oprah...if Harpo couldn't beat her, they don't have a chance. Lol.

2. I'm in the process of growing my hair out. I've got this little natural that's becoming a bit more of a natural and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do with it yet. Sometimes I feel like this:
Lol...good ol' Monchichi.

3. Sarah Palin. Seriously?

4. Today I could've really used a hug.

5. I know that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. And I am a bit of an old-fashioned kind of girl. But, where's the line between waiting on that man to find me, his good thing, and being the passive chick on the sidelines?

6. Things aren't always as shiny as they seem on the outside. But, hopefully, sometimes they are.

7. What is this dude talking about? He is so full. It's funny how the man at the top gives up nothing, but thinks it's okay for the regular folks to do so. Maybe someone will call him on it.

8. Hullabaloo means uproar. (I looked it up earlier...lol) I just like the word.

9. I'm sleepy.

The Case of Mr. Krush Groove

So the latest in my schoolgirl crush on the brown man who works in my building...he will be here after referred to as KG (Krush Groove)...lol.

My two coworkers who sit out front have been on the KG case since they saw me grinning from ear to ear after seeing him a few weeks ago. I only gave them minimal details cause you know once you tell other folks, they start trying to take it farther and faster than you were ever trying to go. They've been like hilarious KG private eyes, trying to figure out who he is. One of them actually had picked KG out, but I brushed it off like I didn't know who she was talking about. I mean, I'm just trying to live my dream right now. LOL.

Anyway, today, KG was on my floor and my girl from the front called to tell me she thought my crush was out there. I came out, plans in hand (cause I had to look like I had purpose!) and sure enough, there he was...chillin against the wall, waiting for a meeting to end. I strolled by, said hello and kept walking. I walked over to my girl and was like...nah...that's not him. Lol. On my way back through, KG and I started chatting. Our official first conversation. We talked about what we did at work, how long we'd been there, the recession, where we were from....and per my usual M.O., his people are from the islands...I definitely have a thing for the brown guys with an all the time or occasional or underlying Jamaican/Trini/African/etc accent. (There's something about a man who knows how to use the word wicked!) He asked me my name and told me his. We wrapped our convo when his official business on our floor came calling. And so we parted ways.

It was cool. But I guess I'm concerned that any additional information could damage my perfect views of KG. Silly, huh? I don't want the girls up front to know cause I feel like they might taint it by trying to push it and get all sorts of information. For now, I'd like to continue to run into him sporadically and giggle to myself...and spot him from the window, tilt my head to the right and think...I like his style...and let him just be my KG with no expectations or disappointments involved. I have enough real life disappointing guys/situations.

So for now, I'll continue to deny their questions and uphold the ignorance is bliss theory. Me and Krush Groove sitting in a tree...yep, I like this better.

Where were you when...

As I watched the news this morning and they were talking about the upcoming 7th anniversary of the September 11th attacks, I was thinking about the events that have shaped the lives of this generation. My parents' generation can likely recall where they were when MLK and JFK were killed...when the first man walked on the moon...the Vietnam War...the day when certain music greats died - Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Buddy Holly...and more.


What were the big (non-personal) events that still remain so sharp to me that I can remember my exact location when I heard? Here's what I got:

• The Space Shuttle Challenger crashed (Jan 1986) - I was in the 3rd grade. I, my classmates and my third grade teacher Mr. A, sat around the radio listening to the launch, excited about both Ronald McNair and the teacher Christa McAuliffe who were on board. When the space shuttle crashed we were devastated.




• The OJ Simpson verdict was announced (Sept 1995) - I was in my freshman year at college, in a sociology class of all places. They had brought in a tv so we could all watch the outcome. The whole case was crazy.




• Biggie was killed (March 1997) - Maybe I'm weird for remembering this, but I do. I was in college and it was spring break. We had gone home with my friend to SC for the week. The tv was on in the living room and they made the announcement...we just stood there with our mouths hanging open.

• Aaliyah's Plane Crashed (August 2001) - I was living in NC. I had fallen asleep with the tv on and around 4 am or so I heard them say that Aaliyah had been in a plane that crashed. I thought it was a dream until I woke up fully and saw it on several stations.
  
  

• Sept 11th attacks (Sept 2001) - I was living in NC, sitting on the couch watching tv when the news started coming across. I was so confused about what was going on that I called my childhood friend who was also living in NC at the time. We stayed on the land line with each other while trying to call home on our cell phones. We were terrified.


• Barack Obama elected as president (Nov 2008) - I'll be at a victory party!! :)

I'm sure there are more, but these are the one's that immediately come to mind. Perhaps strange, perhaps not.

Do you remember where you were when these things happened?

One more song - Necessary Encouragement

Okay, I meant to put this on my list the other day. I wanted to share this song because it is one of the most encouraging, convicting, spirit and anxiety calming songs I've heard. On days where my heart hurts because it just doesn't understand why he wasn't my him and I feel even further, that my heart's happiness is out of reach, the promise of it makes me cry. On days where I'm turned around and unsure about what's next, the promise of it comforts me. A lot of things happen in our lives that we don't understand...but how awesome is it to know that God is in control, that He knows what we're feeling and that He has much greather things in store for us than we could ever imagine. So when you can't see what tomorrow holds...and yesterday is through...remember I know...the plans I have for you. Anyway, enough of my ramble...lol.


So, if you've never heard this song - Martha Munizzi's I Know the Plans, take a listen. And check out the whole cd - The Best Is Yet to Come.

14 Random Songs I Like

I don't know why...just felt like sharing these songs this morning. I'm the girl that knows the words to songs on every radio station from R&B to oldies to country to rock to rap to easy listening. I'm feeling pretty random today, so here's a random list of 14 of my random favorite songs...enjoy... :)

Angie Stone - Holding Back the Years (love her version of this)



Martina McBride - This One's for the Girls (great anthem for girls & women)



Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis (he is KILLIN IT in this live version)



James Blunt - beautiful (love his voice)



Cassandra Wilson - Time After Time (her version of this song is mesmerizing)



Aretha Franklin - Do Right Woman, Do Right Man (I know that's right!)



A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lovers (great lyrics)



Zhane - Everything Happens for a Reason (beautiful song - still wonder what they meant when they wrote it))



Brian McKnight - Never Felt This Way (loved this song since that episode when Martin proposed to Gina in the park)



England Dan & John Ford Coley - I'd Really Love to See You Tonight (don't know where I first heard this, but always loved the sentiment of the song)



Plain White T's - Delilah (just like the sound of this one)



Lauryn Hill - The Sweetest Thing (ahhh Lauryn...come back soon!!)



Wyclef featuring Claudette Ortiz - Two Wrongs (I always sing this song at the top of my lungs...lol)



Norah Jones & the Handsome Band - Humble Me (NJ has such a great and pure voice...you have to catch her live!)

Yes. We. Can.

The DNC Continues

I said I wasn't going to write about the DNC everyday, so I'll try to make this entry short. (I swear...from staying up late watching the Olympics to staying up late watching the DNC and after chatter...I need a nap!)

I made it through most of Hillary Clinton's speech before dozing off. I thought she did a great job. It's funny because watching the analysts breaking down her speech afterwards, they were searching for anything to attack. So they said, hey she never actually said that Barack would make a great president. Seriously? I mean, Hillary could have gotten an Obama tattoo on her neck and that wouldn't have been enough for them. Politics is a business and she's a business woman. She made it clear that she was down for the cause. She let people know that this was not about her, but about something greater. And for all those who voted for her, she called them to recognize that (what she hopes) they were voting for were her beliefs and goals for the country. And if they were, then Obama has those same beliefs and goals, so it's time to transfer that vote.

I was watching CNN and someone interviewed this one black woman who was a delegate (can't remember from where). But, this woman was so emotional and adamant about Hillary. Like her life was over because Hillary was not on the ticket. I understand the hardcore support. But, I think this is where we get stuck. We stay trying to hold on to some stuff long after the relevancy of it has passed. The bottom line is that there will be two candidates running for president. Obama and McCain. And while your preferred candidate may not still be in the running, it is important to vote between the two that remain. We must choose the one who is closest to what we believe and what we want for this country. Withholding your vote in protest because someone else isn't there is a waste of time and cutting off your nose to spite your face. Because either way, one of those two men is going to end up in the White House.

So, let's get ourselves together people. Evaluate the two final candidates. Watch the Democratic National Convention this week and the Republican National Convention next week. Do some research.

Barack Obama - http://www.barackobama.com/index.php
John McCain - http://www.johnmccain.com/

Try to look through all of the rhetoric and tom foolery of the ads and the spin of the political analysts. Look for where they stand on the issues most important to you...the economy, healthcare, Iraq, education, poverty, foreign policy, humanitarian efforts - domestic and international, HIV/AIDS, etc.

And after you do that, most importantly, VOTE for whichever one most exemplies how you want to live for the next four years. Come on folks, let's get it.

Okay...*stepping down off my soapbox*

Great week...and it's only Tuesday!

Why this has already been a great week....

1. Sunday afternoon my kickball team (yes, my grown folk kickball team...lol) had our first game of the fall season. (Don't sleep...the game is back...check it out...www.kickball.com) This is our third season in the league and the first two definitely were our 'building' seasons...lol. Sunday, we put it down! Not only did we play well, we won by a nice healthy margin. Victory!!! After the game, the team hung out at a Mexican restaurant for lots of good conversation and laughs. Yay team!!



2. Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. Now...that in and of itself did not bring joy to my day...lol. But, what did was when I walked into my dentist's office and found all of the staff in the reception area participating in their very own...office Olympics!!! They were in the middle of a basket toss type game when I came in...and this was the final event that would decide who took the gold. At the end, there was a medal ceremony, where each of the teams was awarded either a gold, silver or bronze (plated) medal (light plate cover on a ribbon). :) I was privileged enough to witness the moving ceremony and even take a picture for the participants. Long live the Olympics!!!! :-D



3. Last night a few of my girls came over for dinner and some catch-up conversation. Good food and good company. We caught up in between the speakers at the DNC. Which leads me to the final excitement for the week this far...



4. How about Michelle Obama????????????????!!!!! I'm always proud to be a black woman, but last night let the rest of the world know why. I mean, Michelle put it down, absolutely. She came out there, made the message plain and showed America that she is what so many of us are...woman-daughter-sister-mother-wife-professional-activisit-caregiver....all in one. I have no doubt that some, if not many, have cast Michelle Obama in the same stereotypical light of the 'angry black woman'...for the same reason that many of us are. Because we are professional. Because we are serious about ourselves and our business. Because we decided some time ago, that we don't have time for the silliness. Because we are strong. Because we will defend and stand strong for our loved ones. Because although we are ladies, we will always have the fight in us. Because we are capable of filling so many roles at one time that folks may think we're schizophrenic. And this is why I think Michelle Obama is great. Not because she is the exception. But because she is the rule. She is representing for so many of us in such a wonderful way. Yes America, put it down in history, THIS is how WE roll.

When I reminisce over you/Someone take my cell phone away

So this is one of those days where I've spent a little too much time staring out the window, stuck in past thoughts and flashbacks...doing a little skipping down memory lane. This is one of those days where I woke up thinking about an old him who used to make me...smile. We don't talk anymore...haven't talked to him in more than a year now. But today, I was at work thinking, damn. That old him. Had to remind myself...he's an old him for a reason... Had to call my girl to have her talk me off the ledge and talk me out of a random text or phone call. Lol. Man, reason #657 that I love me some Jill Scott lyrics...her song was in my head all day...explains it so perfectly...




Old him. O' him. I swear these days come out of nowhere. Okay, if I can make it through the rest of today without unauthorized communication, I think I'll be good. Whatever...forget him...I'm a grown A woman with strength and will power...he don't got nothing on me...he's old news...I got this.

(...er...was that convincing enough?????????) Keep your fingers crossed for a sista, would ya!?

Victory is Sweet...sometimes...

If the Olympics don't end soon, I'm going to be a walking zombie!! But, hey, it's worth it.

After these Olympics, I am a grand fan of beach volleyball! I have been following the US women's team of Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh since the games began and they are fierce! Last night, in the pouring rain, they beat the talented Chinese team for the Gold medal. Yes! They played two great matches to win the set on a spike by Walsh. These ladies apparently have not lost a match since the game was invented...lol...okay, maybe not that long, but they have a serious winning streak. And I'm sooooo glad it continues!

In the men's 200-m race, that quick-footed Usain Bolt shut 'em down again. It's amazing to watch. He did seem to work a little harder in this race and hold off the celebration until after the race was done, but he still took it by several strides. Good stuff. Unfortunately for the US, Wallace Spearmon, originally taking the bronze, was DQ'd for stepping on the lane line several times. Shortly after that, the dude from the Netherlands (I think), originally taking the silver, was also DQ'd for the same thing. This moved the other two US runners - Shawn Crawford and Walter Dix, into the silver and bronze positions, respectively. I don't know...the athlete in me feels that if I'm at the Olympics and win a medal, I don't want it to come from two other folks getting DQ'd on a technicality. I don't want to tell my grandkids...yea, I actually came in 5th, but uh, that bronze was all mine! But, I know Crawford and Dix didn't have a say in the matter...and I could even tell that Dix, in his after race interview, wasn't it feeling it too tough either. But I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles or the way the race ends. Congrats to them all nonetheless!

Good Black Man Day - OOOOOWEEEEE!

Some days the brown men get me down. And some days they make me want to sing...lol. Yesterday was one of those days.

• --I was on my way out of the building to go to lunch. I got on the elevator and this tall, slim brotha with locks complimented me on my facial features...asked me where my people were from and I told him...Maryland and Alabama...lol. He laughed and I told him beyond my grandmother, some of my people are from the West Indies, to which he said, Aha...that's what I see in your face. I smiled. There's nothing like a unexpected compliment on an elevator from a man with beautiful locks. Anyway, everybody got off the elevator and I ended up chatting with him and his coworker who were both at the building to handle some business. They were breaking for lunch and asked if I'd like to go. Normally I say...umm...I don't know you like that...lol...but instead this time I said, sure. (But we still took two separate cars...lol) The three of us went to lunch, did some networking and I particularly enjoyed my conversation with Slim about art and doing what you have to do in parallel with life passions.
  
• --I spent some time talking with one of my male friends. He's such a good guy and never ceases to have be doubled over in tears from laughing so hard. He's my constant reminder that the truly good ones are out there. (He's married, but I'm still believing that there are others like him who are not!)

My other encounters were much more superficial, but you need that sometimes, too. :)

• --I was driving out of a shopping center and there was a man SO FINE standing on the sidewalk with his shirt tie on that I momentarily turned into a redneck cause all I could say in my car was... OOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! LOLOLOL!
  
• --I had to take my company car over for servicing. There was this extremely attractive gentleman standing at the door on my way out. He spoke, asked me how I was and when I said good, he said, you certainly are...and followed me out the door to watch me walk to the car. Somedays it makes you roll your eyes and other days it just makes you giggle. Yesterday I giggled. ;)
  
  
• --When I got back to work, I got on the elevator and this cute guy who works somewhere else in the bldg got on with me. We chatted, I gave him some witty conversation. As I got off on my floor, I left him laughing and smile. (hi-five to self!)
  

And last but not least...

• --When I got home, Slim had found me on Facebook and sent me a message. Nice. :)

Oh those brown men. Gotta love them. At least some days. LOL!

Functional Faith

We had a guest preacher yesterday at church - Rev. Michael W. Palmer, Sr. of New Friendship Baptist Church in Baltimore, MD.

The title of his sermon was 'Functional Faith' and he was coming from the text of Mark 10:46-52. He spoke a lot about what faith actually means and how it is very much an action word, because as we know, faith without works is dead.

The point that he made that summed it all up and really stuck out to me was regarding the blind man in John 9. The man had been blind all his life at the time at which he met Jesus. Jesus spat on the ground, made clay and anointed the blind man's eyes with this clay. Jesus then told the man to go wash in the pool of Siloam. The man went, washed and was able to see. Pretty straight forward situation, right?

What Rev. Palmer brought to our attention was this - this man not only had to have faith to receive his sight, but he also had to put in some type of action to make manifest of what Jesus had blessed him with. According to Rev. Palmer, when the Bible says that Jesus 'anointed' the man's eyes with clay, that implies that upon the clay being placed over his eyes, his sight was restored immediately. However, because his eyes were covered with the clay, he still could not physically see. Jesus had blessed him with sight, but he could not use it until he went and washed the clay off. Had he not both faith AND action, he would have continued through his life with the gift of sight, but the obstruction of the clay preventing him from using it.

The translation for our lives today is clear. God blesses us in so many ways so many times. And while we believe He does, we do not always ACT in conjunction with His blessings. Faith without works is dead. He could bless us all day long, but if we don't make the simple step to wash the clay off of our eyes, we will still be blind to all of the great things He has set out for us. I mean, there's no reason to let good blessings go to waste, right?!? So, my prayer is that we be moved to action to make manifest of the blessings that He has already sent our ways. Let the washing off of the clay begin!

You might be an Olymics junkie if...

• ...you've been late to work everyday because you stayed up too late watching the games.


• ...you now know the official rules of beach volleyball, water polo & international basketball.


• ...you know that the US men's swimming relay team was disqualified in a world competition because Crocker entered the pool too early...and you were thinking...he better not...while watching the Olympics relay earlier last week.


• ...you watched Greco-Roman wrestling, badminton or table tennis. Period.


• ...you didn't think silver was good enough for Dara Torres.


• ...you referred to the guys on other teams as punks just because they were beating the US team in the sychronized diving competition.


• ...you're still waiting on ol' girl from the Chinese gymnastics team to get stripped of her gold cause there ain't NO WAY she is 16 years old!!


• ...you not only know who Michael Phelps is, but you know who Cullen Jones is...and that he almost drowned when he was 5.


• ...you were on the internet looking up 5 countries that you had never heard of before the opening ceremonies.


• ...you sat in a roomful of folks on a Saturday night screaming as the US men's swimming relay team won the gold, giving Michael Phelps his 8th gold medal.


• ...you don't know how to swim, but you know how many laps 1500 m are!


• ...you couldn't turn the channel, even when they were showing the women running the marathon...lol.


• ...when the US is out of any competition, you adopt another country to cheer for.


• ...you think folks who just watch US men's and/or women's basketball are Olympic amateurs!


• ...you've been at work secretly trying to figure out if you have enough leave or money to still get to Beijing.

AND....

• ...you can now identify the opening bars of the national anthems of more than 10 different countries!!!!!

Aren't the Olympics GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

The Road Trip Analogy

I hit the road this weekend to head down to visit some friends in NC. I knew that I'd be going down a few months ago and planned it out, as much as was necessary. I thought about leaving Friday afternoon, but because of the traffic I've faced before, decided to wait until Saturday AM. I packed Friday evening. A friend of mine came by that evening and told me he was going to ride down with me for the weekend. Cool. So, I went to bed at a decent hour, got up and dressed in the morning. Called my friend and in less than 12 hours, he had changed his mind and decided he'd stay here and get some work done. Okay. I'm not a fan of folks commiting to one thing and then un-commiting to it, but, it wasn't going to change my trip.

I hit the road before 9 and hopped on I-95. Thinking to myself...I'm out early enough, I should be able to roll down my windows, turn up my music and ride out. That's how I planned it. Well, despite the planning, I had gone about 45 miles and ran into the back of silly traffic congestion that had no cause - no accident, roadwork, etc. - other than too many folks on the road. I was first annoyed at the audacity of the traffic to mess up my plan. After so many minutes of creeping along on the 95, I got off, and hopped on a smaller roadway - US 1, hoping to fare better. US 1 of course had traffic signals, fewer lanes and a lower speed limit...but at least it was moving. So, I stayed on 1 for awhile, tried to make up some time and then hopped back on 95. That went well for all of...10 minutes and then I hit the backup again. Thoroughly frustrated, I said, later for this, got back on 1 and took it all the way to I-85. This time when I got on 1, I was okay with it and then began to enjoy the scenery, the little towns and all the things I would not have driven by had I stayed on 95. I have been making this drive for many years and this was the first time that I saw some of these gorgeous places. See where I'm going with this...lol...

In taking this little journey south, it occurred to me that this was just like life. You can make the best plans. People can both support you and disappoint you with their participation or lack thereof in your plans. But, you never know when you're going to hit unexpected congestion or road blocks. And you can either wait it out patiently, which is fine, or you can get pissed off about it. Or, you can decide to try another way. And in trying another way, you can continue to be mad about the first attempt that met with resistance. Or, you can choose to let that go and appreciate the things that this 'alternate' plan has brought you. You can accept that your plan, although altered, is still good and is still worthy of much excitement. And by doing so you get to enjoy so many beautiful things that you hadn't even planned on initially.

As I've heard...plan for the worst, hope for the best and be flexible with everything in between.

Oh...I got your b*tch...

Okay, so...I was minding my business on Friday, driving to lunch. I was driving straight through a signalized intersection when a car from the opposite direction started to make a left turn in front of me because they didn't see me coming. I honked my horn, slowed down and swerved around them...thus avoiding an accident that would've been the other driver's fault. As I drove around them, the sista in the passenger seat yelled 'bitch' out the window. Sometimes I think I have a strong fighting alter ego, as my first reaction was to whip the car around and pursue her...to do what...I don't know...lol.

So, I'm thinking...'bitch' even? I swerve to avoid the car that you're in, that would be at fault if the accident were to happen. I save your boy who's driving, the hassle of having to call his insurance company and report it and pay for the repairs on my car because he wasn't paying enough attention while he was driving. I save you some pain, as it would be your side that I would've hit, t-bone style. And that qualifies me as the 'bitch' in this situation, huh?

I mean...if I'm going to get the title...at least let me have done something to deserve it. Let me have taken your man, stole your bike or run over your pet hamster. But, to have saved you pain, saved your boy money and saved us all time...how about a 'thank you, girl!' instead? Just a suggestion.

Ladies...let's be a little less loose with the 'bitches'. There is life and death in the tongue. Because let's face it car girl, you don't know enough about me to call me a bitch anymore than I know enough about you to call you a hot ghetto mess. Just a thought.

The AHA Moment

This weekend I had an insightful conversation with an insightful woman. I find it quite therapeutic talking to her because through our trying-to-understand-life convos, she allows me to see things in a way I hadn't previously considered. I think we take turns at shedding the light on our various confusions...lol. Anyway, we were talking about the engaged ex and I was telling her that in a weird way, I wasn't feeling as...affected...as I thought I would have. It's like, right before you get in an accident...you brace yourself and wait for the crash. You wait for the pain. But then, for whatever reason, the crash isn't as bad as it could have/should have been. Yet, you still imagine/feel that you're as hurt as you would've been had the crash been as bad as you expected. Well, I think that's where I am. I knew the engagement would be coming eventually and perhaps a year ago, I would've been crushed. But today, I'm actually not. I mean, I was blown when I found out and even felt angry/betrayed in some ways. But, crushed, I wasn't. Strangely enough, there is some sort of comfort in the expected reaction. Because the reaction is tied to the feelings I have/had for him which ties me to that oh so wonderful 'in love feeling'. And the 'in love feeling' is what I seem to be holding onto. And the reason that I may not be letting go completely, even though I think I may be ready to do so, is that letting it go would mean accepting that that 'in love spot' is empty again.

Here's the thing. Being in love or loving someone romantically is a euphoric feeling. It feels good to love someone that way...it feels good to have identified someone that you think you could spend a lifetime with. The feeling feels good, even when the situation may not. And so sometimes...the AHA moment...I try to hold on to the feeling (and the people) way too long because letting go would mean I'm left without someone to love...and without someone to love, what do I have? Aha...and...sigh. Never thought about it like that. And looking back over my history with men and holding on, it makes even more sense.

My truth is that I want someone to love. But, more specifically, I want someone to love that will love me back...in the same ways. Because if loving someone is euphoric, than adding the reciprocity is...rapturous. And, I'd much rather have rapturous. I deserve rapturous. So, if that means releasing the past that has already released itself from me, then that is what I have to do. And the space that opens up in my heart...I'll spend a little more time loving myself and those around me who love me.

Thanks for walking me to the Aha moment. Wish me luck.

Brown Sugar Thursday Randomness

I'm shaky today. Emotionally shaky. I feel so back and forth with all of this. Somedays I'm cool. Moving along just fine, enjoying myself, keeping my mind free and clear. And other days it's just like...wham! Just dropping on my spirit. Last night/today is one of those times.

I don't understand. To have been told I'm 'wife material' so many times in my life, but to still not be one...hell, to not be a girlfriend. To have men grow with me and then receive wedding announcements, seemingly right after we break up (maybe a little more time in between, but still). As if my role is that of the husband-preparer. I'm tired of grooming every-damn-body else's husband. I don't get it. I've never considered myself a naive woman. For the most part, I think I can sense when folks are lying. And so, I don't understand how men can love one woman and marry another. Or love two women and marry one. Are they really happy that way? Are they truly THAT good at compartmentalizing their feelings? Are we as women just not capable of grasping it because we don't have that ability?

Look at the movie 'Brown Sugar'...that said it all. Dre (Taye Diggs) married Reese (Nicole Ari Parker) knowing good and damn well that he was truly in love with Syd (Sanaa Lathan). But, he figured he had been with Reese for awhile, she was a good woman, it was about that time, so why not? The bama got married. Now Syd did get engaged to Kelby (Boris Kodjoe) - only after Dre got married. However, it was clear that she was never going to be able to go through with it...and she didn't. Why? Because she knew that her heart was with Dre. She was really incapable of marrying this other man, no matter how good of a man he was, because we are not made like that. Men, on the other hand, can have the love of their life tell them that they're waiting, but they won't leave the Dre-Reese relationship that they're in because it may be too much of a risk. Seriously? Seriously? We're talking about a lifetime and they don't want to take the risk for true happiness. That's some punk shit. At least from this woman's perspective.

So, I could ask him...when did he fall in love with hip-hop and hope that he could and would say that he's been in love with me since the first day he saw me and can't see me not being the woman in his life for another day. But, I think I'd have to watch Brown Sugar in order to get the Dre-Syd reconciliation type of ending. Good thing I own the movie though, because reality's ending isn't quite as sweet.

Where does your heart feel lightest?

Sometimes I really wonder how people used to work in the same job for 40-50 years. I assume that, in most cases, it had more to do with responsibility than affinity for their work. A lot has changed and nowadays folks will change jobs every few years if they choose. But, regardless of how much job-hopping we do, how happy are we in any given position?

Every so often, I go through these times where I struggle to get up for work EVERY SINGLE morning. Sometimes I stay up too late; sometimes my iron level (& therefore my energy level) may be low; sometimes I just want to take a vacation...etc etc...but, I have to believe that at times it is more than that. As far as my job goes, it's cool. I don't love it, but I like it and enjoy my field and the people that I work with. I enjoy the tangible nature of my work...designing or reviewing something and then in the future actually being able to go outside and see it built, functioning and improving what was there before. That's cool. But, it's still not my passion. It's not what I could see myself happily doing in 20 years.

An old friend of mine asked me an interesting question a few months back. We were talking about purpose and jobs and passions and how to know what we were supposed to be doing. She listened to me ramble on about my 9 to 5 and about my love of writing/ creativity/ communicating emotions & experiences in a way that others can feel understood and validated. She paused and asked me a simple question. When and where do your heart and your spirit feel lightest?

Hmmm. My spirit feels light when...I am creating. My spirit feels light when...I capture something in a way that allows someone else to see things differently. My heart feels light when...it's 3am and I'm in my makeshift darkroom printing black & whites. My spirit feels light when...I'm driving with all the windows down and verbally composing a new poem of substance. My heart feels light when...I can let someone know they are not alone in their experience or thinking...

I don't think I'm supposed to up and quit my job right now. (At least, I don't think God has put that in my spirit just yet.) But, I do think I should spend much more time in those places where my heart and spirit feel light. And maybe those are the things that will make me eager to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings. If not for this paycheck, than for another opportunity to create something wonderful for someone else and/or myself. Now that's something to look forward to.

Streams of Consciousness

1. Thank God for great girlfriends...I always feel that my girls are invaluable. But, when the bumps in the road come...i.e. ex's getting engaged...the great ones really shine. They step up, hunker down for the first slew of expletives when I'm angry, console me when I figure out I'm more hurt/sad than angry, validate me when they agree and keep it real when they don't, and give me the pep talk when its time to get moving again. Never underestimate the power and the strength of the sista-circle.

2. There are no coincidences...The other week, in the midst of the ex-bomb, I was still reeling a bit from the surprise. I was asked to help out at this community service activity...reading to kids and promoting literacy. Cool deal. Well, there was a fair amount of activity, but I really didn't have to much to do...so I read a few short books (Amelia Bedelia wasn't a favorite of mine...lol) and chilled. To make a long story short, I ended up chatting with a woman about the phenomenal film 'Souls of Black Girls' (http://www.soulsofblackgirls.com/) and the implications of absent fathers and positive reinforcement on the self-esteem and self-image of black girls and black women. Somehow, this convo transitioned into one about relationships, heartbreak, patience and release. We had never met before and she knew nothing of my recent news...but, in the middle of this great conversation she says...I don't know what it is for you right now, but you are going to be okay. Whatever happened yesterday is over. Let it go. Whoever he was, let him go. Yours is coming. I can feel it in my spirit...you will be just fine. It's time to let it go.... And I was speechless. Thanks for the messenger, God.

3. She was a great woman...A close friend of my mom's passed away the other week. She had battled ovarian cancer for some time. As I sat in the pew at her funeral, I felt the tears welling up...for her passing, for her husband and two sons, for the void that would exist in the lives of all those filling the church...including my mom. But, I think I was most overwhelmed by the wonderful way in which everyone spoke of her...not in that it's her funeral so everyone says something nice kinda way. But in the genuine, she had an awesome spirit, kind of way. I want to live my life in a way that when I'm gone, I will have made a difference in someone's life. That people and the world would have been better because I was here. Like Mrs. J. I learned a lot about her I didn't know from listening to her friends and family speak about her. She will be sorely missed by those of us here, but I can only imagine that God had the perfect spot for her...after all He wants the best one's to be with Him. We'll miss you.

4. I love black women...including myself. I love their strength, resilience, beauty, diversity, intelligence, capacity for love, faith, loyalty, ability to nurture...I love the way that black woman are not just capable of, but good at, taking care of others...children, friends, husbands, folks they don't even know...I love the way that black women just get it...no explanations needed...from one sista to another...they've been there and understand...man, black woman are truly phenomenal. And one day...the rest of the world will figure it out, too.

5. Strumming my pain with his fingers...singing my life with his words...killing me softly with his song...there's nothing like great lyrics. I am in love with great music. Lyricists who write songs like they're walking in my shoes hold a special place in my heart. Right now I'm still doing a little bit of flip-flopping over the ex (what else is new, right??). I'm somewhere in between Ms. Scott's My Love...

Yo...I'm tripping right...I heard you got married...You got married?... It don't really make any sense...but You know what this is, You know what it was...You chose her cause she's sweet as pie...Take what you give...even your lie...But baby,are you happy without me?... She scrubs your back,washes your clothes...Gives you everything that you ask for...But don't you ever want more?...

...and Chrisette Michele's Best of Me...

Saw you again at the parlor/Crossing the walk with your lady/I caught your eye from afar off/I know that she wore a ring/I found a smile against my will/Wish it was genuine/I put away my desire/No more "in love with you still"/Look I'm moving on, oh/Loved you, lost you/Thought I'd give you/All the best of me/We departed/Broken hearted/I need to be free/What we had was/Oh so lovely/I'll swallow my pain/Its my time to/Find the best of me/Can't be the time to be begging/Can't be the time to plead/My momma made me much wiser/What's mine will be just for me/I'm trying hard just to focus/I'm trying hard to sleep/Promise I'm glad you're happy/When its my time it will be/Look I'm moving on, oh oh oh/Loved you, lost you/Thought I'd give you/All the best of me/We departed/Broken hearted/I need to be free/What we had was/Oh so lovely/I'll swallow my pain/Its my time to/Find the best of me...

Chrisette's coming to town so hopefully, I'll catch the concert and not only sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, but truly follow them...what we had was oh so lovely, I'll swallow my pain...it's my time to find the best of me...now THAT deserves a lighter in the air.