I seem to have lost my official 'Rule Book' so, I need some help - a little clarification, if you will, on a few rules.The Rules of Estrangement
Since I've known him and he's known when my birthday was, he's wished me happy birthday. In the early stages of our friendship, he wished me happy birthday. When we dated, we spent the birthdays together. After we broke up and the spring and summer months passed, he called to wish me happy birthday. After we fell back in step and he still chose not to take the risk for the promise of a forever us, months later, he sent me a happy birthday text. This year, he got engaged. And I got indignant. (Lol.) And last week, my birthday came and went...with...for the first time in years...no birthday wish from him. I wasn't sure how I felt...other than being very aware that he didn't do it. (Strange the things we pay attention to.) I tried to settle myself with it - because after all, we...are not...cool...anymore. If communication is cut-off, shouldn't it be cut-off for all things? But, wouldn't you know it, a few days later, it came. The belated birthday text. From him. I looked at my phone and then put it down. Responding hours later with a simple 'thank you'. Part of me thought, why bother with the birthday well wishes? I mean yes...I understand that it's nice to do. That kind words never hurt. But, maybe they do. His birthday is almost a week after mine. And I don't think I'll be extending my well wishes this year. Not because I hate him or because I'll forget or because I wish him a bad birthday. But because if I extend it, there is a chance, however slim, that I'll be awaiting a response of some sort that will give me a clue as to what's going on in his life...a slippery slope. (A recovering alcoholic doesn't go around sniffing liquor bottles, no matter how long they've been sober.) And perhaps, because I think it's time. So, can somebody check the Rule Book on this one? When you cut love-ties because neither of you can handle it, does the cut go all the way through everything? Or is the birthday wishing/Christmas card sending tie still left in tact?
The Rules of Disclosure
I was watching the new episode of 'The Game' on Friday. Melanie (Tia Mowry) is at a place where she is dating two men at one time, both men aware of that. In this episode, she hooks up with the doctor she's dating and then, after some begging on Derwin's (the other dude) part, hangs out with him too. Derwin is her old flame and they've been through changes, leaving them in this place of separation/taking it as it comes.
If you have time, watch the episode below. (You can jump to about 5:15)
(Jump to about 6:05)
I'm not a proponent of folks having sex with two different people in the same night (even though she didn't end up having sex with Derwin), but what were her disclosure obligations, if any, in this scenario? I was talking with a male friend who seemed to feel that she should have disclosed her previous whereabouts to Derwin. I disagreed. I mean...the nature of dating is that people are dealing with, sometimes, more than one person at a time. She is not obligated to really, tell him anything. With that being said, understand that I DO believe in upfront-ness. Both parties should know what the deal is. And in this case, they do. Derwin knows Melanie's deal...and that she's dating other people. But, that, to me, does not mean that she has to tell him everything she does with everyone else. So...until they have gotten to the point where they are at an agreed upon state of exclusivity, what are the rules of disclosure?
7 comments:
The "rules" vary for every situation, but I think if there is sexual intimacy involved, more disclosure is necessity (if it can be handled) for those reasons? I think I need to think about this one a bit more and get back. I’m usually the “don’t ask questions you really don’t want to know the answer to”. But sometimes I ask tough questions anyway…cause I just gotta know.
Regarding, the belated birthday wish...it's those very times that make your mind wander backwards...if it were me, I would probably prefer no contact at all, especially if we're not doing the "friends" thing. Who wants to handle the fact that now you know that he's still "thinking about you"...I could go on…but I'll save the rest.
In terms of the two 'dates' in one night, I think it is responsible to let people know that you are dating other people and sexually involved with the ... HIV is alive and well, so at least give people the choice to not be involved with you too. If they know you are not exclusive and are still having sex, they can assume what they want about the other person, it is really none of their business. If they have a problem with it, they can move on. If you have been up front about the circumstances, then they must know that sometimes when they aren't with you, you are with someone else.
Some guys may feel like they have a leg up if you are sharing intimate details about the other guy. But they durn sure don't want you sharing similar information with the other guy either. Guys hate it, but Beyonce already told you, "if you liked it ....", otherwise, don't worry about what I do when I'm not with you (hey that could be a new B single! LOL)
oh, and in terms of the belated birthday contact, no contact is better than that tease, like you said, it's like a drug, get that little hit, and it only leaves you wanting more, no matter how long it's been. Theme song for the week, Live and Let Die, gonna post it on my FB for you right now.
I'm assuming these weren't rhetorical, so here's my two cents:
On the estrangement, it's hard to ever really be "just friends" with someone you were once romantically involved with, especially if one or both of you still have feelings for the other. It's even harder on you if you're not the one who decided to "move on." So, my advice would be to try and cut the ties if interaction with him if it makes you "feel some kind of way." And, it sounds like it does. I don't know that there are definite rules here, except my new #1 rule: Be smart, follow your heart. And that means you have to love and protect yourself first, even if that means depriving yourself of the short term desire to keep in touch with him. Time heals all things...
On the disclosure, I found myself so torn there too...which is interesting because I think men rarely ever are. But, if they are "technically" in an open relationship (whatever that means) where the guys are aware she's dating other people, she's not obligated to share. I think it gets complicated with Derwin because she actually loves him and that changes ALL the rules. Right or wrong, I think she feels guilty about what she did because her heart is his, even if not officially so. My last point is that as women, we aren't really "made that way" and I think she's going to eventually struggle with trying to maintain and enjoy the open relationship declarations of the "new Melanie" and stop doing it.
That was more like eleven cents, but hey...
Peace and love.
see the thing about what Mel is doing is that it's just a cover up. that girl is about to explode in 2.5 seconds. it's just not her! mel and derwin are too deep for her to be running around dating other people. if she wants to date other people, she needs to date NEW people. not someone you almost MARRIED! so in their case, i felt Horrible for Derwin. Mel needs to get it together, FAST.
as for your other inquiry, is the goal to move on? if so, cut all ties...even bday and christmas stuff. the quicker you rip of the band-aid, the easier it'll be. no need to prolong stuff.
Thanks for the feedback ladies! I went with all of you on the no birthday wish. I successfully let the day pass without extending words that would in some way still connect us. Good decision.
@PreciousGem - I agree...when sexual intimacy is involved, more info is needed. Everyone should know exactly what they are getting themselves into.
@You Know Who - LOL @ Live and Let Die...I need to check to see if you put the song on your FB page!
@prettypoetic - Thanks for the 11 cents! ;)
@prettypoetic & j.a.c - I agree w/ both of you on the take of Melanie. I think she's struggling to separate being hurt by Derwin's past actions and current results (ol' girl's pregnancy). And I think this is her way of trying to 'control' the situation.
yeah right does she have to tell derwin where she just came from and what she just did... they have an open relationship...actually gotta get off this computer right now because its about to come on in a couple minutes
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