Love Addiction

Love addiction. If there is such a thing...I think I've hit rock bottom. I'm achy, sore and just plain out of sorts. In the earlier phases of addiction, I have existed in euphoric spaces and times. Back when he and I shared the same vibe, even if not at the right time. Back when I could look in his eyes and know that, in that moment, those words were his truth. Back when I was able to make myself completely vulnerable, despite the odds being against me. I was fully willing to take the risks and follow my need for the fix of him. All things that we are addicted to are not bad things...they just become bad for us when we know we can't/shouldn't have them, yet we can't seem to moderate and control our need for or use of them.

When we finally decide to admit our addiction...hi, my name is Love-hunger and I'm an addict...we make a conscious decision to get on the wagon and away from whatever it is that is the focus of our addiction. It's cold turkey. No in-betweens. I told him, we can't do the friend thing. I can't do the friend thing. As much as I adored him and his friendship, any contact - even the kind disguised as platonic interaction - would only magnify my desire for him and us more. No hits for druggies, no sips for alcoholics, no contact for me.

Every so often, I would think about leaning off the wagon, just a little bit. And every so often, I would, very carefully, hold on to the side and lean over. Perhaps I can handle it. A little contact never hurt nobody, right?? Ha. I consider myself to be relatively intelligent, but the smartest of us can even be fooled by our own selves. That tricky girl...talking me into a quick text, email or phone call. And look at me...falling for it every time.

I think we only 'wake-up' when something drastic happens. When drug addicts get high, overdose and almost die. When alcoholics get behind the wheel of the car and end up hurting someone else. When the focus of a love addict's attention decides to marry someone else. Damn. Rock bottom. Didn't see this one coming. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Sadness. Acceptance.

So, I lay down here, looking up and don't really know what the next step is. I have some anger. Some sadness and disappointment. Some confusion...trying to understand what I missed. I'm assuming I don't have acceptance if I still have all the before-mentioned feelings, right? Not sure if there are 12-step programs for this, but if there are, somebody give me a name tag and a Sharpie because this hurt is for the birds...sigh...