Sometimes...

...Sometimes I
crave
the feel of a man's hands
on the curve of my hips and
on the small of my back
as his strong presence
willfully attacks
all of my senses
at once...
...Sometimes I
unabashedly
desire
the feel
of him
feeling me
of him
stealing me
from the absence
of him...

Hmm...it's not always easy being...good. I think of him and it's not easy being good. I haven't seen him in a few years, but every so often, when I do think of him, it's...not...easy. I secretly wished to run into him tonight. In neutral territory that wouldn't break the rules, my rules. I wanted to see him - and for him to look at me the way he always did. To look at me in the way that makes every nerve in my body suddenly aware that they are aware. I imagine that we would see each other and perhaps carry out a whole conversation with our eyes - understanding the danger of words and touch. Understanding that it's been quite some time, but that our...chemistry....knows no time. Hmm...but, I made it home with no detours, no unauthorized phone calls or texts. And I will go to bed and wake up when the sun is out. And this moment will have passed. And it will seem an easier task and he will seem a less prominent thought. In the morning...

Dis-joint-ed

Sigh.

I've spent the last hour trying to write about it. Perhaps trying to sort out a phenomenon of wanting what one can't have and not wanting what one can.

I Speak Life...

A friend of mine sends out great quotes every day or so. She sent this one out not too long ago and thought it be a great way to go into the weekend. Enjoy! Have a great weekend and Happy Easter!

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Here are your affirmations. Learn how to speak life into your words and inner self-talk. Print these positive statements and read them daily. Learn how to train your brain to think optimistic and proactive thoughts. I promise you --- you will get results and experience more success, progress and peace of mind. – Author Unknown

* I can conquer my fears and procrastination.

* My possibilities for success are endless.

* I'm ready to get out of my own way.

* I no longer give people or my circumstances power over my destiny.

* I am getting stronger and wiser each day.

* I'm grateful for my life lessons and use them as stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.

* I am grateful, healthy and blessed as my stress decreases and my finances increase.

* I am loved and empowered to do great things.

* Right now, I do the best I can -- where I am and with what I have.

* I use my time, talents and resources well.

* Health is my first wealth. I am exercising and eating healthy foods. My body is getting in good shape.

* I am willing to learn to let myself breathe, relax and create success in my life.

* Stuff happens! --- I am resilient. I cope with change with faith, peace and courage.

* Life isn't always fair, but I always do the right thing anyway.

* My creativity, education, professionalism, faith, self-esteem and organization skills produce a great income for me.

* I am attracting new resources, opportunities and talented people in my life who contribute to my vision and purpose.

* I am open to new experiences.

* My light shines bright. I am a child of the most High God.

* I am at peace and relax in the flow and divine timing of the Holy Spirit.

* My words and actions have power and return to me multiplied.

* Depression and addictions are a set up for me to give up. I will stay in the light. I am too blessed to be stressed.

* The best is yet to come. Something great is about to happen.

* I stand on holy ground worthy of all that God has for me. For Almighty God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above ALL that I think, say or do according to the power that works in me.

"You Move Me"

I got this from Gem is My Name! :) (I can't help but do this over and over again...lol! Okay okay...I'm writing it down this time...for real!! LOL)

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

Here we go....

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY? "Gotta Go Gotta Leave" Vivian Green (hey, why not)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? "Take Your Time” Al Green

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Right Here" SWV

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "Ting-A-Ling" Shabba Ranks

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Wish I Didn't Miss You" Angie Stone (Man...I need to refocus!!)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO? "Getting Late" Floetry (I heard that!!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "So Amazing" Luther Vandross (awww....)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Call Me Guilty" Jaxmine Sullivan (I hope not...lol...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Like Glue” Sean Paul

WHAT IS 2 + 2? "We Come to Party" Chuck Brown

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "The Fact is (I Need You)" Jill Scott (aww)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "The Long Day is Over" Norah Jones (interesting)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "I Never Wanna Live Without You" Mary J.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Stingy” Ginuwine (LOL)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Jaspora" Wyclef (sure...why not)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "The Nearness of You” Norah Jones

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "Nothin" Nore

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? "Complicated" Avril Lavigne

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Try Again" Aaliyah

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW? "Sunrise" Norah Jones

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Creepin" (LOL)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "You Move Me" Cassandra Wilson (hmmm....love this song)

The Right to Change

I've come to the conclusion that I tune in to the Michael Baisden show purely for the opportunity to get me amped up. Lol. I understand that the goal is probably to get folks listening and responding, but sometimes....whew.

Earlier today there was a woman who called in and was sharing how she and her significant other had been together for 23 years and 6 children, but were not married. She communicated that she wanted to be married and had wanted to be married for quite some time. Mike and Juan (his board op?) both expressed feelings of...well, you've been with him for 23 years...what right do you have to change that now and think that he should marry you?? You can't just change the game on the brotha now - it's not fair.

WHAT? (is what I said a little too loudly at my desk...lol) What do you mean, what right does she have to change that now? She has every right. She has birthed SIX of his kids. She has been with and loved him for 23 years. And if she feels or has felt that marriage is what she wants, than she has every right to let him know that. No blame-gaming is necessary. If they've been together for 23 years with no ring, then both of them had to, in some manner - spoken or unspoken, agree to that. But, if today, she knows that this is what she wants, so be it. Either he's with it or he's not. When asked if she wanted to be married before, she said yes. They wanted to know why, all of sudden, she wanted to be married. Perhaps her desire for marriage is based on her beliefs, her relationship with God , her need for completion...who knows. But, the bottom line is that she is warranted to request this.

I think what bothered me most about their positions was that it implied that there is such a time when it is too late for change. That there is such a time where if you have not done better, you haven't a chance of doing so. That there is such a time when your future is dictated solely by what you have allowed in your past.

And I refuse that. If I have accepted 'less than' for 30 years and at 30 years and 1 day I decide, I will no longer accept receiving less than I deserve, then as of that moment, change has come. Whether 1 day or 23 years in to whatever situation it may be, your change is always just one second and one word away.

On the move...

I have been...on the grind. I can't believe it's been 4 some odd months since I've been here. Wow. I got a not so anonymous note saying that my blog missed me. :) Thanks lady...lol! :) Funny enough, I've missed my blog, too. I've had many days where I knew specifically what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to share. But, then I got busy again, and off I went. But today, I'm here. Determined to catch up.

I've spent the past few months working on my crafts and trying to improve them. I've thrown myself head first back into my photography. Yay! It's been exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time - just what all good things should be...lol. I shot my first wedding at the end of last year and that was a truly awesome experience. Aside from all the nervousness and preparation before hand and all the hard work and follow-up afterwards, I loved it. In the moment, I loved it. I loved capturing their emotions and the moments and the memories. I felt light. Just like I do when I'm writing new poems or creating other new things. It's been great. I feel like my creativity has been thriving. Almost too many ideas to manage. At least when combined with my everyday duties and responsibilities. I still struggle with balance. This side of me often threatens a coup d'etat over the everyday part of me. Perhaps not a bad thing, though?

Either way, it's been...cool. Good. I'm not sure about everything, but that's okay. I just know that I'm driven to pursue the creativity. So I will. My creativity is on the run and I'm determined to keep up!

Checking the Rule Book

I seem to have lost my official 'Rule Book' so, I need some help - a little clarification, if you will, on a few rules.

The Rules of Estrangement
Since I've known him and he's known when my birthday was, he's wished me happy birthday. In the early stages of our friendship, he wished me happy birthday. When we dated, we spent the birthdays together. After we broke up and the spring and summer months passed, he called to wish me happy birthday. After we fell back in step and he still chose not to take the risk for the promise of a forever us, months later, he sent me a happy birthday text. This year, he got engaged. And I got indignant. (Lol.) And last week, my birthday came and went...with...for the first time in years...no birthday wish from him. I wasn't sure how I felt...other than being very aware that he didn't do it. (Strange the things we pay attention to.) I tried to settle myself with it - because after all, we...are not...cool...anymore. If communication is cut-off, shouldn't it be cut-off for all things? But, wouldn't you know it, a few days later, it came. The belated birthday text. From him. I looked at my phone and then put it down. Responding hours later with a simple 'thank you'. Part of me thought, why bother with the birthday well wishes? I mean yes...I understand that it's nice to do. That kind words never hurt. But, maybe they do. His birthday is almost a week after mine. And I don't think I'll be extending my well wishes this year. Not because I hate him or because I'll forget or because I wish him a bad birthday. But because if I extend it, there is a chance, however slim, that I'll be awaiting a response of some sort that will give me a clue as to what's going on in his life...a slippery slope. (A recovering alcoholic doesn't go around sniffing liquor bottles, no matter how long they've been sober.) And perhaps, because I think it's time. So, can somebody check the Rule Book on this one? When you cut love-ties because neither of you can handle it, does the cut go all the way through everything? Or is the birthday wishing/Christmas card sending tie still left in tact?

The Rules of Disclosure
I was watching the new episode of 'The Game' on Friday. Melanie (Tia Mowry) is at a place where she is dating two men at one time, both men aware of that. In this episode, she hooks up with the doctor she's dating and then, after some begging on Derwin's (the other dude) part, hangs out with him too. Derwin is her old flame and they've been through changes, leaving them in this place of separation/taking it as it comes.

If you have time, watch the episode below. (You can jump to about 5:15)



(Jump to about 6:05)



I'm not a proponent of folks having sex with two different people in the same night (even though she didn't end up having sex with Derwin), but what were her disclosure obligations, if any, in this scenario? I was talking with a male friend who seemed to feel that she should have disclosed her previous whereabouts to Derwin. I disagreed. I mean...the nature of dating is that people are dealing with, sometimes, more than one person at a time. She is not obligated to really, tell him anything. With that being said, understand that I DO believe in upfront-ness. Both parties should know what the deal is. And in this case, they do. Derwin knows Melanie's deal...and that she's dating other people. But, that, to me, does not mean that she has to tell him everything she does with everyone else. So...until they have gotten to the point where they are at an agreed upon state of exclusivity, what are the rules of disclosure?

Autopilot: Disengage

“You have to be ready at any moment, to give up who you are and what you are, for who you could be.”

My sister called me Sunday afternoon to tell me that she had realized that she had been living on autopilot…and that it was time for her to stop. She is already a phenomenal woman, according to her younger sister. :) But, she felt like she was just going through the motions of life and not stepping out in some of the directions that her spirit was pulling her. I completely understood. She and I have very similar spirits. We are very rational beings, enjoy being ‘in control’ of our lives and choices and do things in an orderly way. We also have very strong passions that exist and continue to pop up. We are dreamers. We want to help and inspire people and make a difference through our passions. And despite what we have been trained/schooled to do, we both recognize that our purposes may exist outside of the majors listed on our degrees.

My passions are mostly creative in nature. I love to write. I love photography. I love using both of them to connect with people. And to help and encourage people. When I write something and someone says…this is exactly what I was feeling…I thought it was just me…I feel more accomplished than I do in a 40 hr week at work. That’s something.

And I am doing these things now. Aside from my regular job, I am writing and doing increasingly more photography work. But perhaps, that is no longer enough. Perhaps, since I may not have stepped forward on my own, God is presenting opportunities to make me step forward anyway? I’ll be shooting my first wedding next month for a friend…because she needed me to. I never would’ve volunteered myself for something like that…lol. So, I’ve been studying and preparing so that I can do my best. Over the past few months, I’ve had some opportunities pop up that have allowed me to improve my skills. Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker who said he can provide me with the post-processing tools I need and additional tools to improve my deliverables. This morning I ran into Krush Groove on the way into the building. We got to talking…come to find out, he’s been doing photography work for years. And it looks like he’s going to help me out with learning more about Photoshop. I don’t really believe in coincidences. These nudgings seem increasingly to be coming in these areas where my passions are. On top of the fact that I’m having to drag myself out of bed in the mornings to come to a job that is not at all bad. Not to mention that I seem to be more and more surrounded by people who are in similar positions, have similar drives and goals and are extremely supportive and encouraging. Coincidence? I think not.

I’m not even sure where my thought process is going as I write this. Perhaps just a stream of consciousness. Perhaps by putting it in writing, I’m making it more real. Perhaps I’m coming to terms with it all. Perhaps, like the quote (not sure who said it), I am measuring this idea of the willingness to give up the comfort of now for the possibility of a greater future.

I’m nervous and excited. Admittedly, this is a much better feeling much more than an everyday melancholy. This is good. This is good. This is good. (Say things three times when you want them to stick, right? :))

Melting the Melancholy

So, I had a pretty bad case of the doldrums last week. The perfect prescription for remedy (at least temporarily) was a weekend of friends and simple fun. Friday night we celebrated a friend's birthday by gliding across the ice...okay okay...so gliding may be too smooth of a word to describe my motion...but, I successfully made my way around the rink many times...lol. We even played ice tag, which could've been a recipe for disaster, but we all finished with no bumps or bruises, at least for the most part. Ice skating was followed by music and games at his house til the early hours of the morning. Good times.

Saturday I was a complete vegetable. Bonded with my couch all day and watched several movies. I really enjoyed 27 Dresses...cute movie. In the evening I met up with my rec team for late night bowling. We had a blast and shut the alley down. My team is absolutely hilarious and I could not have thought of a better way to spend my evening. I hung out with those crazies until almost 6am...lol.

Sunday afternoon I visited a friend who had recently relocated locally. We had a good afternoon/evening of girlfriend time - conversation, hair-doing, movies...good stuff. You know, quality girlfriendships, new and old, are so valuable. Thank goodness for them.

It was a great weekend. Perfect for pulling me out of the melancholy place I was in on Friday. I have a renewed sense of...making moves. More to come in my next entry.