Thursday, June 26, 2008

Streams of Consciousness


1. Thank God for great girlfriends...I always feel that my girls are invaluable. But, when the bumps in the road come...i.e. ex's getting engaged...the great ones really shine. They step up, hunker down for the first slew of expletives when I'm angry, console me when I figure out I'm more hurt/sad than angry, validate me when they agree and keep it real when they don't, and give me the pep talk when its time to get moving again. Never underestimate the power and the strength of the sista-circle.


2. There are no coincidences...The other week, in the midst of the ex-bomb, I was still reeling a bit from the surprise. I was asked to help out at this community service activity...reading to kids and promoting literacy. Cool deal. Well, there was a fair amount of activity, but I really didn't have to much to do...so I read a few short books (Amelia Bedelia wasn't a favorite of mine...lol) and chilled. To make a long story short, I ended up chatting with a woman about the phenomenal film 'Souls of Black Girls' (http://www.soulsofblackgirls.com/) and the implications of absent fathers and positive reinforcement on the self-esteem and self-image of black girls and black women. Somehow, this convo transitioned into one about relationships, heartbreak, patience and release. We had never met before and she knew nothing of my recent news...but, in the middle of this great conversation she says...I don't know what it is for you right now, but you are going to be okay. Whatever happened yesterday is over. Let it go. Whoever he was, let him go. Yours is coming. I can feel it in my spirit...you will be just fine. It's time to let it go.... And I was speechless. Thanks for the messenger, God.


3. She was a great woman...A close friend of my mom's passed away the other week. She had battled ovarian cancer for some time. As I sat in the pew at her funeral, I felt the tears welling up...for her passing, for her husband and two sons, for the void that would exist in the lives of all those filling the church...including my mom. But, I think I was most overwhelmed by the wonderful way in which everyone spoke of her...not in that it's her funeral so everyone says something nice kinda way. But in the genuine, she had an awesome spirit, kind of way. I want to live my life in a way that when I'm gone, I will have made a difference in someone's life. That people and the world would have been better because I was here. Like Mrs. J. I learned a lot about her I didn't know from listening to her friends and family speak about her. She will be sorely missed by those of us here, but I can only imagine that God had the perfect spot for her...after all He wants the best one's to be with Him. We'll miss you.


4. I love black women...including myself. I love their strength, resilience, beauty, diversity, intelligence, capacity for love, faith, loyalty, ability to nurture...I love the way that black woman are not just capable of, but good at, taking care of others...children, friends, husbands, folks they don't even know...I love the way that black women just get it...no explanations needed...from one sista to another...they've been there and understand...man, black woman are truly phenomenal. And one day...the rest of the world will figure it out, too.


5. Strumming my pain with his fingers...singing my life with his words...killing me softly with his song...there's nothing like great lyrics. I am in love with great music. Lyricists who write songs like they're walking in my shoes hold a special place in my heart. Right now I'm still doing a little bit of flip-flopping over the ex (what else is new, right??). I'm somewhere in between Ms. Scott's My Love...


Yo...I'm tripping right...I heard you got married...You got married?... It don't really make any sense...but You know what this is, You know what it was...You chose her cause she's sweet as pie...Take what you give...even your lie...But baby,are you happy without me?... She scrubs your back,washes your clothes...Gives you everything that you ask for...But don't you ever want more?...





...and Chrisette Michele's Best of Me...


Saw you again at the parlor/Crossing the walk with your lady/I caught your eye from afar off/I know that she wore a ring/I found a smile against my will/Wish it was genuine/I put away my desire/No more "in love with you still"/Look I'm moving on, oh/Loved you, lost you/Thought I'd give you/All the best of me/We departed/Broken hearted/I need to be free/What we had was/Oh so lovely/I'll swallow my pain/Its my time to/Find the best of me/Can't be the time to be begging/Can't be the time to plead/My momma made me much wiser/What's mine will be just for me/I'm trying hard just to focus/I'm trying hard to sleep/Promise I'm glad you're happy/When its my time it will be/Look I'm moving on, oh oh oh/Loved you, lost you/Thought I'd give you/All the best of me/We departed/Broken hearted/I need to be free/What we had was/Oh so lovely/I'll swallow my pain/Its my time to/Find the best of me...
Chrisette's coming to town so hopefully, I'll catch the concert and not only sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, but truly follow them...what we had was oh so lovely, I'll swallow my pain...it's my time to find the best of me...now THAT deserves a lighter in the air.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Love Addiction

Love addiction. If there is such a thing...I think I've hit rock bottom. I'm achy, sore and just plain out of sorts. In the earlier phases of addiction, I have existed in euphoric spaces and times. Back when he and I shared the same vibe, even if not at the right time. Back when I could look in his eyes and know that, in that moment, those words were his truth. Back when I was able to make myself completely vulnerable, despite the odds being against me. I was fully willing to take the risks and follow my need for the fix of him. All things that we are addicted to are not bad things...they just become bad for us when we know we can't/shouldn't have them, yet we can't seem to moderate and control our need for or use of them.

When we finally decide to admit our addiction...hi, my name is Love-hunger and I'm an addict...we make a conscious decision to get on the wagon and away from whatever it is that is the focus of our addiction. It's cold turkey. No in-betweens. I told him, we can't do the friend thing. I can't do the friend thing. As much as I adored him and his friendship, any contact - even the kind disguised as platonic interaction - would only magnify my desire for him and us more. No hits for druggies, no sips for alcoholics, no contact for me.

Every so often, I would think about leaning off the wagon, just a little bit. And every so often, I would, very carefully, hold on to the side and lean over. Perhaps I can handle it. A little contact never hurt nobody, right?? Ha. I consider myself to be relatively intelligent, but the smartest of us can even be fooled by our own selves. That tricky girl...talking me into a quick text, email or phone call. And look at me...falling for it every time.

I think we only 'wake-up' when something drastic happens. When drug addicts get high, overdose and almost die. When alcoholics get behind the wheel of the car and end up hurting someone else. When the focus of a love addict's attention decides to marry someone else. Damn. Rock bottom. Didn't see this one coming. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Sadness. Acceptance.

So, I lay down here, looking up and don't really know what the next step is. I have some anger. Some sadness and disappointment. Some confusion...trying to understand what I missed. I'm assuming I don't have acceptance if I still have all the before-mentioned feelings, right? Not sure if there are 12-step programs for this, but if there are, somebody give me a name tag and a Sharpie because this hurt is for the birds...sigh...

Monday, June 02, 2008

Good times...

Every so often you have one of those weekends that is full of the good stuff. This was one of those weekends. Friday night we celebrated my girl's birthday. Good friends, good food, good conversation....and even a bit of irony for kicks. This guy that the birthday girl had talked about fixing me up with some months ago, came through. Not bad looking at all...but had slight undertones of corniness. Anyway, the old potential fix-up guy and one of my other girls ended up hitting it off, at least for the night..lol, seemingly quite well. When another friend asked me, in so many words, if I was bothered by it...I said, not at all. The way I see it, he just wasn't for me. As for my girl who ended up interacting with him...she got what she needed and possibly peeped the scene enough for all of us to know that this was no major loss for any of us. Nice save! lol.

Saturday the family had a good old-fashioned cookout in celebration of achievements. Despite the torrential downpours and weather that seemed to indicate the second coming, everything turned out well. Cookout food always does the soul good! A few friends came through that I always love spending time with. So, we got to hang out, laugh, catch up and play a couple of spirited rounds of a Taboo-like game involving describing and guessing. Completely hilarious...with me breaking out in contagious chants of 'Attica! Attica!' when I felt the other team was cheating...lololol.

Later on that evening, I had to break away from the game to get dressed to go to an organization function. Was having too much fun and didn't want to go, but I eventually sucked it up and got ready. I felt like such a pretty-girl with the fam and friends smiling when I came back downstairs all glammed up. Nice. I felt like it was prom...lol...I was taking pictures in my dress with folks before I left. Anyway, finally made it to the function, two hours late, and hung out for the remaining 2 hours. The DJ was actually quite nice, but don't think I would've missed anything had I not shown up...except for the fact that my agreed upon date for the evening would've have been left by himself. He's still talking about me for being that late...lol. I think I owe him two hours now. :)

Sunday morning I made it to the early service at church and the message was on point. Love that. Sunday afternoon, my rec team FINALLY won a game (and tied one too)! WOOOO HOOOO!!!! It's been a long time coming, but we finally made it to the other side. This is only our second season playing in this league, and while we have quite an athletic squad, the win had been quite elusive. Nevertheless, we found it on Sunday. Post-win found my team at the division bar celebrating. A handful of team drinks later, the events just kept getting funnier and funnier. I almost caught a back cramp from laughing so hard...yes, a back cramp...that's serious...lol. My team is great.

By the end of the evening, I was exhausted from the weekend and playing outside in the heat all day. Luckily, I didn't have to go to work Monday, which made the weekend all the better. Although, now that I'm sitting here after midnight, Tuesday's going to be a long day...lol. But, it's cool, cause the weekend was nothing but good times...so that should at least push me through to the next one... :-D