Monday, December 01, 2008

Checking the Rule Book

I seem to have lost my official 'Rule Book' so, I need some help - a little clarification, if you will, on a few rules.

The Rules of Estrangement
Since I've known him and he's known when my birthday was, he's wished me happy birthday. In the early stages of our friendship, he wished me happy birthday. When we dated, we spent the birthdays together. After we broke up and the spring and summer months passed, he called to wish me happy birthday. After we fell back in step and he still chose not to take the risk for the promise of a forever us, months later, he sent me a happy birthday text. This year, he got engaged. And I got indignant. (Lol.) And last week, my birthday came and went...with...for the first time in years...no birthday wish from him. I wasn't sure how I felt...other than being very aware that he didn't do it. (Strange the things we pay attention to.) I tried to settle myself with it - because after all, we...are not...cool...anymore. If communication is cut-off, shouldn't it be cut-off for all things? But, wouldn't you know it, a few days later, it came. The belated birthday text. From him. I looked at my phone and then put it down. Responding hours later with a simple 'thank you'. Part of me thought, why bother with the birthday well wishes? I mean yes...I understand that it's nice to do. That kind words never hurt. But, maybe they do. His birthday is almost a week after mine. And I don't think I'll be extending my well wishes this year. Not because I hate him or because I'll forget or because I wish him a bad birthday. But because if I extend it, there is a chance, however slim, that I'll be awaiting a response of some sort that will give me a clue as to what's going on in his life...a slippery slope. (A recovering alcoholic doesn't go around sniffing liquor bottles, no matter how long they've been sober.) And perhaps, because I think it's time. So, can somebody check the Rule Book on this one? When you cut love-ties because neither of you can handle it, does the cut go all the way through everything? Or is the birthday wishing/Christmas card sending tie still left in tact?

The Rules of Disclosure
I was watching the new episode of 'The Game' on Friday. Melanie (Tia Mowry) is at a place where she is dating two men at one time, both men aware of that. In this episode, she hooks up with the doctor she's dating and then, after some begging on Derwin's (the other dude) part, hangs out with him too. Derwin is her old flame and they've been through changes, leaving them in this place of separation/taking it as it comes.

If you have time, watch the episode below. (You can jump to about 5:15)



(Jump to about 6:05)



I'm not a proponent of folks having sex with two different people in the same night (even though she didn't end up having sex with Derwin), but what were her disclosure obligations, if any, in this scenario? I was talking with a male friend who seemed to feel that she should have disclosed her previous whereabouts to Derwin. I disagreed. I mean...the nature of dating is that people are dealing with, sometimes, more than one person at a time. She is not obligated to really, tell him anything. With that being said, understand that I DO believe in upfront-ness. Both parties should know what the deal is. And in this case, they do. Derwin knows Melanie's deal...and that she's dating other people. But, that, to me, does not mean that she has to tell him everything she does with everyone else. So...until they have gotten to the point where they are at an agreed upon state of exclusivity, what are the rules of disclosure?