Autopilot: Disengage

“You have to be ready at any moment, to give up who you are and what you are, for who you could be.”

My sister called me Sunday afternoon to tell me that she had realized that she had been living on autopilot…and that it was time for her to stop. She is already a phenomenal woman, according to her younger sister. :) But, she felt like she was just going through the motions of life and not stepping out in some of the directions that her spirit was pulling her. I completely understood. She and I have very similar spirits. We are very rational beings, enjoy being ‘in control’ of our lives and choices and do things in an orderly way. We also have very strong passions that exist and continue to pop up. We are dreamers. We want to help and inspire people and make a difference through our passions. And despite what we have been trained/schooled to do, we both recognize that our purposes may exist outside of the majors listed on our degrees.

My passions are mostly creative in nature. I love to write. I love photography. I love using both of them to connect with people. And to help and encourage people. When I write something and someone says…this is exactly what I was feeling…I thought it was just me…I feel more accomplished than I do in a 40 hr week at work. That’s something.

And I am doing these things now. Aside from my regular job, I am writing and doing increasingly more photography work. But perhaps, that is no longer enough. Perhaps, since I may not have stepped forward on my own, God is presenting opportunities to make me step forward anyway? I’ll be shooting my first wedding next month for a friend…because she needed me to. I never would’ve volunteered myself for something like that…lol. So, I’ve been studying and preparing so that I can do my best. Over the past few months, I’ve had some opportunities pop up that have allowed me to improve my skills. Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker who said he can provide me with the post-processing tools I need and additional tools to improve my deliverables. This morning I ran into Krush Groove on the way into the building. We got to talking…come to find out, he’s been doing photography work for years. And it looks like he’s going to help me out with learning more about Photoshop. I don’t really believe in coincidences. These nudgings seem increasingly to be coming in these areas where my passions are. On top of the fact that I’m having to drag myself out of bed in the mornings to come to a job that is not at all bad. Not to mention that I seem to be more and more surrounded by people who are in similar positions, have similar drives and goals and are extremely supportive and encouraging. Coincidence? I think not.

I’m not even sure where my thought process is going as I write this. Perhaps just a stream of consciousness. Perhaps by putting it in writing, I’m making it more real. Perhaps I’m coming to terms with it all. Perhaps, like the quote (not sure who said it), I am measuring this idea of the willingness to give up the comfort of now for the possibility of a greater future.

I’m nervous and excited. Admittedly, this is a much better feeling much more than an everyday melancholy. This is good. This is good. This is good. (Say things three times when you want them to stick, right? :))

Melting the Melancholy

So, I had a pretty bad case of the doldrums last week. The perfect prescription for remedy (at least temporarily) was a weekend of friends and simple fun. Friday night we celebrated a friend's birthday by gliding across the ice...okay okay...so gliding may be too smooth of a word to describe my motion...but, I successfully made my way around the rink many times...lol. We even played ice tag, which could've been a recipe for disaster, but we all finished with no bumps or bruises, at least for the most part. Ice skating was followed by music and games at his house til the early hours of the morning. Good times.

Saturday I was a complete vegetable. Bonded with my couch all day and watched several movies. I really enjoyed 27 Dresses...cute movie. In the evening I met up with my rec team for late night bowling. We had a blast and shut the alley down. My team is absolutely hilarious and I could not have thought of a better way to spend my evening. I hung out with those crazies until almost 6am...lol.

Sunday afternoon I visited a friend who had recently relocated locally. We had a good afternoon/evening of girlfriend time - conversation, hair-doing, movies...good stuff. You know, quality girlfriendships, new and old, are so valuable. Thank goodness for them.

It was a great weekend. Perfect for pulling me out of the melancholy place I was in on Friday. I have a renewed sense of...making moves. More to come in my next entry.

Just another Manic Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday...

Why am I feeling like this every morning? I'm dragging. It's a struggle for me to get out of bed on time and subsequently, to work on time. I mean...I like my job well enough. But, if my response to jobs is at all like my response to men...then just liking it well enough may be the problem. I don't not want to have my job. (Especially in this tough economic time.) There are elements that I find interesting and at times challenging. But, there are other things that truly invigorate me. Writing...photography...creating things...planning things... Those are the things that will find me happily wide awake at 2am. The things that excite me. My job is what I went to school for...it is technical...science and math. Factual areas. But, I am a creative being. And I sometimes wonder if I left the science & math, if my being would still be as creative. I don't know. Just breathing out the thoughts this morning.

Sigh. Time to make the donuts....

Part IV - Yes. We. Can.

God bless Barack Obama and Joe Biden. God bless the United States of America.

Part III - 8 things I was thinking in the voting line...

My two hours worth of random thoughts while I was waiting to vote:

1. This is awesome. I've never seen this many people come out to vote at my polling place. Cool.

2. Next personal research project: election reform. Surely there has to be a better way to streamline national elections.

3. Why do we only have 15 voting booths here?

4. A voting man is sexy. Yay to all the attractive brothas that were in line with me...it made the time go by faster...lol.

5. I wonder how many black boys will now feel differently about what they CAN do.

6. If Obama is elected, I hope that Black folks don't expect immediate change just because he is Black. If you weren't rich today, you won't automatically be rich on January 20th. He'll need some time. And let us not forget...if elected, he'll be the president of the U.S., not of Black America. His responsibility is to the whole country.

7. Man...I really can't imagine having been around in the time where our parents/grandparents/great-grands didn't have the right to vote. I wonder if I would have had the same strength they did to protest, boycott and fight. Two hours is nothing compared to some of the things they went through. Ever forward!

8. What's next?

Part II - 2 hours 15 minutes...worth the wait...

Enter line: 11:00 AM

11:30 AM - Moving along

12:00 PM - Made it to the door! Woo hoo!

12:15 PM - Even more people inside...

1:00 PM - Finally checking in

1:05 PM - Almost my turn...

1:15 PM - I'm outta here!






1:20 PM - Enough said!

Part I - The nervous excitement...

I couldn't really sleep last night. It's the way I felt before the first days of school or work...or before any big event. Nervous and excited. Don't want to oversleep. Wake up every few hours and peak at the clock on my nightstand. Wondering what the lines will be like...will I have time before work or should I go in the midday?

The polls here open at 7 am, so I finally got up around 6 and got dressed. Armed with my camera and an assortment of breakfast snacks and my IPOD, I headed out the door. My polling place is only about two blocks or so away...so I could tell as soon as I drove out, the place was packed. It was 6:40 AM and the line was looped around and around and around. Folks were out there with their chairs, breakfast, novels and more. It was awesome. I felt a little emotional seeing all of these determined voters waiting patiently for the doors to the polls to open. I drove around for awhile just looking at all the people. Snapped a few pictures. I did decide to head to work and come back later. I'm going to head back over at about 10:30 or so. I'll keep you posted. But, whatever the line is looking like where you are, take the time to vote. It's not just a privilege, it's an obligation.

When it rains...

...it pours. Is it just me, or when there's a new him to like, do folks start coming out the woodworks? It must be some type of documented phenomenon. In less than a week's time, one friend who I haven't hung out with in awhile wants to take me out...one friend who previously wanted us to swear on our 'just friends' status stepped in clear violation of it...one friend is quietly conveying his interest, only quietly because he is at the beginning of the official ending of his circumstance...and one guy whose lack of availability due to his job caused me to take my focus off of him, has resurfaced with two visits and several I miss yous. Seriously? It's almost laughable. I can be chillin by myself for months and months at a time. No one in particular calling. No one particularly interested in my whereabouts. No one checking for me. No one vying for my nights or weekends. Am I mad about it? Lol. No. Just kinda amused I guess. I guess that's the cycle...drought and deluge. It's cool though...I'll just put on my rain boots and see what the rest of the rainy season brings...giving particular preference to the fresh new rain. :)

Ms. N.D. Pendent

She reached for her wallet out of habit. He held the black leather case with the check in one hand and his credit card in the other. She casually reached her own card across the table and he looked at it with both amusement and confusion. In a relaxed voice he said...You can put that away. After all, didn't I ask you out to lunch? She shrugged and said...well, yes, but you never know. She was like a Girl Scout...always prepared. He smiled warmly. Well, I invited you to lunch with me, so I am treating. She smiled...outside and inside. She liked this. Thank you. They sat at the table chatting while the waitress took care of the check. She brought back the receipt and he jotted down the tip and his signature. Despite the lunch 'hour' time constraint, they had already been there for an hour and a half enjoying each other's company. Duty calling, they slid out of the booth and walked towards the door. She arriving there first, extended her hand to the door. He placed one hand on the small of her back and reached over her to put his other hand on the door as he chuckled...Can you let me get the door for you? She looked up at him and grinned sheepishly...oh, thank you. They proceeded outside and she continued...you know, I don't even think about it most times, I just open it myself. I'd hate to just be standing in front of a door waiting for someone to open it...she laughed. I don't know, maybe it depends on how they were raised, but not all men open doors. He shook his head, looked at her and intently replied...well, maybe you've been dating the wrong men. Her stomach fluttered a little, but she held his gaze and said, maybe I have.

Pearls of Wisdom

Yesterday I went to the funeral of my coworker's mother. I had never met her, but my other coworkers and I went in support of him. My prayers are with him and his family during this time and into the future, when all of the commotion slows down. It was a nice service...she was clearly a woman who loved her God and her family above all else. Those she left behind were a moving testimony to how she lived. I knew none of the family there with the exception of my coworker...it's amazing how the heart feels the emotion of others and reacts to their sadness. Compassion is a wonderful thing, it keeps us connected.

Among all the things shared at the funeral, there were two things that stood out to me - in a life lesson kind of way.

Her grandson was speaking about his memories of her. While he was talking he referenced the movie Evan Almighty. He said in the movie, there was a part where Evan asked God (played by Morgan Freeman) for patience. Morgan Freeman's response was(paraphrasing)

...If you pray for patience, I don't give you patience. I give you opportunities to be patient. If you pray for courage, I don't give you courage. I give you opportunities to be courageous. If you pray for better relationships with your family, I don't give the relationships to you. I give you opportunities to spend time with your family...

Wow. I felt very AHA! in that moment. Our job is to pray for the things we need. God's job is to allow us to grow in those ways. We never learn from things being handed to us. We learn through the opportunities to work and grow in the areas where we are lacking. Funny enough, Evan Almighty was on tv last night.

The second pearl came from the Reverend performing the ceremony. When talking about the wonderful woman who had passed, she noted all of the joys that her loved ones had from loving her. And now that she has passed, they all are sad - because of how strongly they love her. She paused and said, we have to understand that grief is the price we pay for love. Grief is the price we pay for love. Wow again. Wherever there is love, there will eventually be loss. Not in an ominous way...but that is what life is. People change, leave, die. It's the natural cylce of life. Does that mean we choose to not love in order to avoid the grief? Not as far as I'm concerned. We have all suffered loss in our families, in our friendships, in our relationships. And in some cases more than others, it's hard to allow ourselves to love again because we don't want to hurt that way again. But, imagine how much joy we would miss out on. Imagine what the trade-off is...no love, no pain. And really...even if you 'don't love', that does not guarantee the no pain...so we might as well LOVE! I would hate to miss out on loving my family and friends because of the fear that one day they won't be there anymore. I would hate to miss out on loving him (whoever him is) because of the fear that he won't be there forever. Loving people is the good stuff of life. The great stuff of life. The reason for life. As cliche' as it is, it is so true that...it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Absolutely.

he calls. i smile.

...and while not seemingly significant, it is. it's been quite some time since there was a new him whose calls, whose voice, whose conversation made me smile. and laugh. he asks me questions. and remembers the answers. he thinks i'm pc and teases me about it. i laugh and tell him i'm not as pc as he thinks. he'll find out. he's respectful and gentleman-ly. i think he may be a bit traditional, like me. don't talk much to my friends about him yet...as if that would diminish the possible potential of him. no need to risk it though...lol. it's early. so right now, he calls. and i smile.

Honestly...

...I think I like him.
...I think I'm more nervous about finding a reason not to like him than I am about liking him.
...I'm not sure I know how to relinquish control.
...I'm restless at work.
...I sometimes think I missed out on the years where it was 'acceptable' to do irrational things.
...I'm nervous about what happens if Barack Obama doesn't win and if he does.
...I wonder if he still thinks about me...and if he's married yet.
...I wonder if I set the bar too high so that no one can reach it.
...I'd like to live in the Caribbean for a year.
...the nonchalance usually hides some emotion I haven't gotten to yet.
...I waste way too much time procrastinating.
...sometimes I think I romanticize life so much that real life doesn't always seem as exciting.
...I wonder how many men could be in a relationship without sex...and not cheat.
...casseroles with chicken and melted cheese are unappetizing to me...sorry, was watching Rachel Ray.
...I find myself more enamored with babies lately.
...if I ever have a daughter, I hope she gets all of my good stuff and less of my bad stuff.
...as much as I see myself being married...the thought that I won't find someone I would want to spend a lifetime with, scares me.
...I wonder how close I am to my purpose.
...I'm still working on mastering the moment.
...I don't know what I'm going to do with my hair.
...it keeps popping up in my dream...I wonder if that means anything.
...I could use a perfect kiss...a really good one would do too.
...I think that's enough honesty for now. I might need a nap. Nah...I'm going to watch Lincoln Heights instead.

Small Victories

I saw him for the first time since he began wearing a wedding ring.

Here in he will be referred to as Pige (Potential isn't good enough).


Background

He's the one I spent many of my early to mid (okay, possibly to late...lol) 20's playing around with. Never defined, but always present. The one who's potential always excited me. The one who I had unexplainable physical chemistry with. The one who made me feel like taking risks but would never take the risk on us. The one who would look at me and never say all he was feeling. The one whose long time friendship complicated the times where we were more than friends. The one that for so long I thought...maybe if I wait just a little longer, he'll be ready. The one who I allowed myself to be a different kind of girl for...the kind of girl who dismissed relationships, rationalized behaviors, you know the drill...all for that tingly feeling in my stomach that seemed to come in the door when he did.

Our first kiss occurred when my high school sweetheart was away in the military. I should've know then...while I stood on the curb in front of my parents house, Pige dropped a kiss on me and then ran away. Pretty much set the pace for the future...lol. Don't get me wrong...our 15 years of friendship and more were memorable and invaluable...wouldn't trade them for the world. But, sometimes it takes a while to understand that history isn't a good enough reason to maintain a relationship in the present...especially one that is not fulfilling your current needs.

I cried hard when he told me he was engaged almost two years ago. It hurt. The final reality hurt. Even though it had long ago occurred to me that Pige was not the man for me, the poignant reality of his pending nuptials hit hard. And then...I had a tough love session with myself. Forced myself to isolate my myths and truths. One of the important truths at the time was that...Pige and I should not be having the same discussion about the same problem at 27 that we had at 20. It was important to be honest with myself...my spirit has always been one in constant search of growth...and that situation was completely the opposite of growth. None of the little details was going to alter the overall picture. He was not for me. And no amount of imagination and excuses was going to change that.

So, he got married earlier this year. And the nuances of it all were and are none of my business. (That realization was a big step in and of itself.) And when I saw him with that ring on his finger, I had no desire for a matching one on mine. I didn't feel sick to my stomach. I didn't get to the car and cry. I didn't spend the next few days discusisng him and his wife. No. I saw him. With the ring. And I gave him a cordial what's up. And there was nothing more. ha. Ha. HA. !!!

And I don't say these things with the authority and boastfulness of an arrogant victor. I say these things with the relief of a struggling conqueror. But today, I am proud of the struggle and even more proud to be on this side of it. And now I will struggle to conquer one more. But, that will be a blog for another day. For now, I'm enjoying this victory lap. Yay me!

I love my H-B-C-U...alright alright alright!

This was a great weekend. Absolutely.

My alma mater came to town to play a local HBCU in football. My alumni folks showed up in numbers...I think we outnumbered the home fans. As far as the football game went, we crushed them...lol. So, by the time halftime rolled around, there was no need to continue to hang out in the stands...so we got to mixing and mingling around the stadium. Plenty of folks were in town for both the game and the Black MBA conference. I got to catch up with old friends and look at potential new ones..lol. My girl was in town and she has a cousin who works at this soul food spot. We swung through there after the game and got some good eating in. This caused a mandatory nap when we got back to the house. We were supposed to go out at 10 pm, but the couches held us captive until after 11...I think it was a setup!

Anyway, we met up with my other girl and made it to the spot before midnight. The party was being hosted by a few alumni members, so it was thick with folks I went to school with. I encountered the guy I had a crush on in school at the door and he loved me up with lots of hugs. I hadn't even gotten inside yet and I was already overstimulated by the evening...lol. Anyway, there's was nothing but good stuff on the inside. We chilled and kicked it like it was the late 1990s and we were still back in school. The DJ clearly had a play list because the song selection was perfect! I saw folks I hadn't seen in forever and we all stayed until the lights came on and the bouncer guy started threatening us to get out...lol. We hung out outside for awhile and then went to IHOP.

By the time I got home and in the bed it was 5am. Wow. Hadn't done that in awhile...this was the most fun I've had in some time. Sunday my mind and body was moving in slow motion. Although we hung out like we were 19, my body was still...30...lol. But, it's all good.

Man. I love my HBCU. There was nothing like it when I was there and there's nothing like it now, as an alumnus. The experience is irreplacable. To all the folks that question the relevancy and importance of these schools...you're way off. I'll post a whole blog about that in the future.

But, until then, I'll be representing my alma mater with nostalgia, pride and joy!

Hodgepodge, Hullabaloo and Other Miscellany

1. Are these broads serious about boycotting Oprah??? The Florida Federation of Republican Women have decided that since Oprah will not have Sarah Palin on her show, they will all boycott both her show and her magazine. Read this foolishness/tomfoolery: http://www.ffrw.net/ffrwinthemedia.html. They must be confused...they don't run this...this is Oprah...if Harpo couldn't beat her, they don't have a chance. Lol.

2. I'm in the process of growing my hair out. I've got this little natural that's becoming a bit more of a natural and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do with it yet. Sometimes I feel like this:
Lol...good ol' Monchichi.

3. Sarah Palin. Seriously?

4. Today I could've really used a hug.

5. I know that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. And I am a bit of an old-fashioned kind of girl. But, where's the line between waiting on that man to find me, his good thing, and being the passive chick on the sidelines?

6. Things aren't always as shiny as they seem on the outside. But, hopefully, sometimes they are.

7. What is this dude talking about? He is so full. It's funny how the man at the top gives up nothing, but thinks it's okay for the regular folks to do so. Maybe someone will call him on it.

8. Hullabaloo means uproar. (I looked it up earlier...lol) I just like the word.

9. I'm sleepy.

The Case of Mr. Krush Groove

So the latest in my schoolgirl crush on the brown man who works in my building...he will be here after referred to as KG (Krush Groove)...lol.

My two coworkers who sit out front have been on the KG case since they saw me grinning from ear to ear after seeing him a few weeks ago. I only gave them minimal details cause you know once you tell other folks, they start trying to take it farther and faster than you were ever trying to go. They've been like hilarious KG private eyes, trying to figure out who he is. One of them actually had picked KG out, but I brushed it off like I didn't know who she was talking about. I mean, I'm just trying to live my dream right now. LOL.

Anyway, today, KG was on my floor and my girl from the front called to tell me she thought my crush was out there. I came out, plans in hand (cause I had to look like I had purpose!) and sure enough, there he was...chillin against the wall, waiting for a meeting to end. I strolled by, said hello and kept walking. I walked over to my girl and was like...nah...that's not him. Lol. On my way back through, KG and I started chatting. Our official first conversation. We talked about what we did at work, how long we'd been there, the recession, where we were from....and per my usual M.O., his people are from the islands...I definitely have a thing for the brown guys with an all the time or occasional or underlying Jamaican/Trini/African/etc accent. (There's something about a man who knows how to use the word wicked!) He asked me my name and told me his. We wrapped our convo when his official business on our floor came calling. And so we parted ways.

It was cool. But I guess I'm concerned that any additional information could damage my perfect views of KG. Silly, huh? I don't want the girls up front to know cause I feel like they might taint it by trying to push it and get all sorts of information. For now, I'd like to continue to run into him sporadically and giggle to myself...and spot him from the window, tilt my head to the right and think...I like his style...and let him just be my KG with no expectations or disappointments involved. I have enough real life disappointing guys/situations.

So for now, I'll continue to deny their questions and uphold the ignorance is bliss theory. Me and Krush Groove sitting in a tree...yep, I like this better.

Where were you when...

As I watched the news this morning and they were talking about the upcoming 7th anniversary of the September 11th attacks, I was thinking about the events that have shaped the lives of this generation. My parents' generation can likely recall where they were when MLK and JFK were killed...when the first man walked on the moon...the Vietnam War...the day when certain music greats died - Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Buddy Holly...and more.


What were the big (non-personal) events that still remain so sharp to me that I can remember my exact location when I heard? Here's what I got:

• The Space Shuttle Challenger crashed (Jan 1986) - I was in the 3rd grade. I, my classmates and my third grade teacher Mr. A, sat around the radio listening to the launch, excited about both Ronald McNair and the teacher Christa McAuliffe who were on board. When the space shuttle crashed we were devastated.




• The OJ Simpson verdict was announced (Sept 1995) - I was in my freshman year at college, in a sociology class of all places. They had brought in a tv so we could all watch the outcome. The whole case was crazy.




• Biggie was killed (March 1997) - Maybe I'm weird for remembering this, but I do. I was in college and it was spring break. We had gone home with my friend to SC for the week. The tv was on in the living room and they made the announcement...we just stood there with our mouths hanging open.

• Aaliyah's Plane Crashed (August 2001) - I was living in NC. I had fallen asleep with the tv on and around 4 am or so I heard them say that Aaliyah had been in a plane that crashed. I thought it was a dream until I woke up fully and saw it on several stations.
  
  

• Sept 11th attacks (Sept 2001) - I was living in NC, sitting on the couch watching tv when the news started coming across. I was so confused about what was going on that I called my childhood friend who was also living in NC at the time. We stayed on the land line with each other while trying to call home on our cell phones. We were terrified.


• Barack Obama elected as president (Nov 2008) - I'll be at a victory party!! :)

I'm sure there are more, but these are the one's that immediately come to mind. Perhaps strange, perhaps not.

Do you remember where you were when these things happened?

One more song - Necessary Encouragement

Okay, I meant to put this on my list the other day. I wanted to share this song because it is one of the most encouraging, convicting, spirit and anxiety calming songs I've heard. On days where my heart hurts because it just doesn't understand why he wasn't my him and I feel even further, that my heart's happiness is out of reach, the promise of it makes me cry. On days where I'm turned around and unsure about what's next, the promise of it comforts me. A lot of things happen in our lives that we don't understand...but how awesome is it to know that God is in control, that He knows what we're feeling and that He has much greather things in store for us than we could ever imagine. So when you can't see what tomorrow holds...and yesterday is through...remember I know...the plans I have for you. Anyway, enough of my ramble...lol.


So, if you've never heard this song - Martha Munizzi's I Know the Plans, take a listen. And check out the whole cd - The Best Is Yet to Come.

14 Random Songs I Like

I don't know why...just felt like sharing these songs this morning. I'm the girl that knows the words to songs on every radio station from R&B to oldies to country to rock to rap to easy listening. I'm feeling pretty random today, so here's a random list of 14 of my random favorite songs...enjoy... :)

Angie Stone - Holding Back the Years (love her version of this)



Martina McBride - This One's for the Girls (great anthem for girls & women)



Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis (he is KILLIN IT in this live version)



James Blunt - beautiful (love his voice)



Cassandra Wilson - Time After Time (her version of this song is mesmerizing)



Aretha Franklin - Do Right Woman, Do Right Man (I know that's right!)



A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lovers (great lyrics)



Zhane - Everything Happens for a Reason (beautiful song - still wonder what they meant when they wrote it))



Brian McKnight - Never Felt This Way (loved this song since that episode when Martin proposed to Gina in the park)



England Dan & John Ford Coley - I'd Really Love to See You Tonight (don't know where I first heard this, but always loved the sentiment of the song)



Plain White T's - Delilah (just like the sound of this one)



Lauryn Hill - The Sweetest Thing (ahhh Lauryn...come back soon!!)



Wyclef featuring Claudette Ortiz - Two Wrongs (I always sing this song at the top of my lungs...lol)



Norah Jones & the Handsome Band - Humble Me (NJ has such a great and pure voice...you have to catch her live!)

Yes. We. Can.